Eternally Optimistic

Fantasy:What we really want.

2010-12-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

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What a Man wants in a woman! {Rebutal} (by Kevin)

What I want in a Woman (Original list age 17)

1.A stunning blond long- legged model, preferably from Playboy
2.Enjoys sex at least 5 times per day, whenever I feel like it.
3.Has an ultra rich father/mother that showers us with special gifts
4.Enjoys being around 'the guys' and joins in weekend Football beerfest activities while making everyone steak and trimmin's on our new outdoor grill that she bought for me for my birthday.
5.NEVER nags, whines or crabs about silly things, like the new Porshe I bought.
6.Always keeps the outdoor fridge stocked with plenty of (cold) beer,without asking for money to do so.
7.Exclaims how wonderful it is to be married to a great guy like me.
8.Has new and exciting sex ideas that would blow your mind
9.Never complains when the guys meet @ AJ Gators for a night out playing pool and partying.
10.Makes sure the house is spotless when I come home from work or with the guys after AJ Gators-then fixes us snacks and parties with us.
11.Loves to go skinny-dipping and have sex.
12.Always smiling, always funny, and conversational and totally understanding of any faults (I might) have.

What I want in a woman (revised list) age 29

1. A great looking blond (or brunette, redhead) girl
2. Enjoys sex at least 3 times a day, whenever I feel like it.
3. Has a good job so we can both afford the finer things in life.
4. Is a great mother and keeps her shape, even after 3 kids, whom she always takes care of.
5. Lets me and the guys cook meals during a football party for her and the kids
6. Tells me I am a pretty cool dude.
7. Picks up a 12 pack for our outdoor fridge if I give her the money for the other groceries.
8. Still looks hot in a bikini
9. Loves new sex ideas
10. Doesnt mind too much when I ask permission (a week in advance) if I can go out to AJ Gators with the buds.
11.Doesn't get speeding or reckless driving tickets
12.Likes my friends and sometimes will bring us a bowl of chips during poker games.

What I want in a woman (revised list ) age 41

1. A decent looking lady.
2. Enjoys sex at least 2 times a month
3. Never complains about working overtime so we can afford the finer things in life
4.Doesn't ask for money that often
5. Lets me buy my own beer and put it alongside of the Juicy Fruit Juice the kids drink in the fridge.
6.Doesn't blow a gasket if she catches me and the guys checking out the new Playboy magazine-as long as it's not in front of the kids.
7. Lets me bring a few friends home to watch the football game and drink a few beers.
8. Doesn't complain to much when I forget to clean the house or do the dishes from the night before.
10.Allows me to give her some extra cash so she & the gals can leave the house while me & the guys play a little poker.
11. Usually smiles much more than frowns.

What I want in a woman (revised list) age 53

1.A woman that doesn't weigh more than me.
2 Never demands sex more than 1X every other month.
3.Works over time so we can eat
4.Thows a can of speggetti-Os on the stove for me sometimes when I'm late from work.
5.Allows me to bring one friend home to help with the outside chores, bitch about the economy and drink beer.
6.Doesn't know I sneak out and meet my freinds at AJ Gators sometimes
7.Nags less often then being silient or going on her facebook page for the night.
8.Allows me to go over to a friends house to play a little poker.
9.Doesn't come up with stupid new sex ideas
10. Says 'thank you' after I give her money for groceries, mortgage and extra clothes.
11. Allows me to have some 'quiet time' alone in my study,with my computer.

What I want in a woman (revised list) age 65

1.A woman that doesn't weigh much more than my pick up.
2.Never wants sex
3.Doesn't smell too bad
4.Won't scare me in the middle of the night if I happen to roll over and open my eyes.
5.Is quiet more than talks.
6.Brings me a cup of coffee in the morning occassionally.
7.Leaves when I ask some friends to come over and watch TV
8. Doesn't check my outside fridge to see how much beer is there.
9.Takes a bath at least once a week.
10. Gives me some of her change so I can go over to the play a little poker with the guys.
11.Allows me to have some 'quiet time' alone in my study, with my computer.

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What a woman wants in a man!

What I Want In a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 42 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 42 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

*************

What we usually end up with:

A LITTLE BEHIND ON YOUR BILLS?

2010-10-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

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3. Facing a vehical repossession because your stupid bank doesn't understand it costs ALOT of money to replace a transmition?
4. Lost your job because the US Government allowed Corporations to up and run?

"The line of defense presently being put forth by the banks is that it would be wrong for the government to give anyone, especially a defaulting homeowner, a free house. But this is not only a spectacularly dishonest and hypocritical line of defense since the banks are demanding that the government give them the free houses, it is also a direct attack on the rule of law."

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-Economic Rant

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The latest rogue wave broke about ten days ago, when an orgy of foreclosure revealed massive irregularities in mortgage contracts and property titles, suggesting a slovenliness so arrant and broad that even the states' attorneys general woke from their narcoleptic raptures of golf to shut down transfers of distressed property.

-James Howard Kunstler

Sign of the Times

2010-09-12T16:14:00.001-07:00

San Fransisco Fire,San Bruno neighborhood, Sept. 2010

USA Pardox

This might be a problem

2010-06-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Especially if you had invetested in BP stock. But who am I?

Win A Herbal Vaporizer

2010-04-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

Win A Herbal Vaporizer

To hell with the vaporizer. Scroll down on their page and check out the HOTTIE with nothing on but buds! HELLO DOLLY!!!

Yea yea, someday I've gotta grow up...

V-on President's Day

2010-02-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

Bankers need to eat too.

2010-02-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

Little cute girl: "Daddy, I'm still hungry."

Dad: "I know honey. We all are."

LCG: "When can we eat again? My tummy hurts so."

Dad: "Just as soon as we save enough to pay the mortgage."

LCG: "But why Daddy?"

Dad: "Because Bankers need to eat too sweetie."

DO YOUR CIVIC DUTY: PAY YOUR MORTGAGE AND CREDIT CARD DEBTS FIRST!
*************************
{a public service announcement from your friendly Bankers on Wall Street and the London Exchange}
*************************

{Number of Associates that received bonuses in 2009 alone.}
First row: 3Million+, Second Row: 2Million+ Last Row: 1Million+

Bank of America: 28 /65 / 172
Bank of New York Mellon: 12 / 22 / 74
Citigroup: 124 / 176/ 738
Goldman Sachs: 212 / 391/ 953
J.P. Morgan Chase: 200+ / - / 1626
Merrill Lynch: 149 / - / 696
Morgan Stanley: 101 / 189 / 428
State Street: 3 / 8 / 44
Wells Fargo: 7 / 22 / 62
Source: WSJ

In all this, nobody is really that mad yet...

But they better hope the kids don't get an attitude in the future...

credits: Nova (American Apocalypse)

Calculated Risk

Has anyone asked why?

2010-02-04T10:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Abby...I mean Dear Allen,

2010-01-14T15:10:00.001-08:00

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing-your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too?If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose wight adn gives a great glow to your skin. Interetingl, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowness with other men. A night out with the boys bowling and ogling young single girls is a great stress reliever and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two(it's a great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotinal and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and yoru best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming.Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should;He shold never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by perfomring oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Thanks to non other than:...... COYOTE!

Classes For Women Meet Shortly

2009-10-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Subject: Classes For Women

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday September 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

credit: jm

Everything is OK

2009-09-30T05:47:00.000-07:00

Just do it!

The Word is Powerful

2009-08-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

*LEARN HOW YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS MAKE FOOLS OF US MORTALS!

*SEE HOW THE IDIOT MANAGERS OVER YOU COMPEL YOU TO PUT EGG ON YOUR FACE TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

*TOTALLY GAIN BACK CONTROL OF YOUR ARROGANT COCKY TEENAGERS BY CALMLY DISCUSSING THINGS TO THEM IN FRONT OF THEIR FRIENDS!

**A MUST HAVE FOR ANYONE THINKING OF BECOMING AN INVESTMENT ANALYST, TREASURY DEPARTMENT SUPER, FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN OR DICTATOR!

"You know how it is. You’re enjoying yourself, kicking back and relaxing at the pub or maybe at the library; or maybe you’re in class or just casually surfing the internet, indulging in a little conversation. The topic of the conversation is about a pertinent contemporary issue, probably something to do with a group of people who fall outside your realm of experience and identity. They’re also probably fairly heavily discriminated against - or so they claim.
The thing is, you’re having a good time, sharing your knowledge about these people and their issues. This knowledge is incontrovertible - it’s been backed up in media representation, books, research and lots and lots of historical events, also your own unassailable sense of being right.
Yet all of a sudden something happens to put a dampener on your sharing of your enviable intellect and incomparable capacity to fully perceive and understand All Things. It’s someone who belongs to the group of people you’re discussing and they’re Not Very Happy with you. Apparently, they claim, you’ve got it all wrong and they’re offended about that. They might be a person of color, or a queer person. Maybe they’re a woman, or a person with disability. They could even be a trans person or a sex worker. The point is they’re trying to tell you they know better than you about their issues and you know that’s just plain wrong. How could you be wrong?

Don’t worry though! There IS something you can do to nip this potentially awkward and embarrassing situation in the bud. By simply derailing the conversation, dismissing their opinion as false and ridiculing their experience you can be sure that they continue to be marginalised and unheard and you can continue to look like the expert you know you really are, deep down inside!
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE PRIVILEGE!

Just follow this step-by-step guide to Conversing with Marginalized People™ and in no time at all you will have a fool-proof method of derailing every challenging conversation you may get into, thus reaping the full benefits of every privilege that you have.

The best part is, you don't even have to be a white, heterosexual, cisgendered, cissexual, upper-class male to enjoy the full benefits of derailing conversation! Nope, you can utilize the lesser-recognized tactic of Horizontal Hostility to make sure that, despite being a member of a Marginalized Group™ yourself, you can exercise a privilege another Marginalized Group™ doesn't have in order not to heed their experience!

Read on, and learn, and remember… you don’t have to use these in any particular order! In fact, mixing them up can really keep those Marginalized People™ on their toes! After all, they are pretty much used to hearing this stuff, so you don’t want to get too predictable or they’ll get lazy!"

So are you curious howest you may gain control of people without resorting to Voodoo?
Do you want women and/or men to be flocking at your feet vying to gain your attention and honor because you are obviously very well learned?

Then take the time to read this easy step-by-step manual on how YOU TOO can become a smug arrogant asswipe and still have position and power!**

**(..and you will quite probably get laid more than your adversaries!)

Credit:D4D

Even Ben Can be funny!

2009-07-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

"It must only be a coincidence.Why get all bothered?"

You know, maybe it really is important to watch what is going on @ the Central Banking Authority(The Federal Reserve).

Nah, it's Miller time.

Maybe tomorrow.

True* Public Debate

2009-07-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

Like, we can make things like cars and like we will get help from above andlike we believe in the union and thats what we are.

Now I know why there's a DePop program....

*Actually true. God help us.

Can you spare a dime, er, I mean a ten-spot?

2009-06-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

Top signs the Economy might be in trouble

1. You call up your new dating service for rates and they say they have a special this month with matches for your age with interested single,divorced and those just wanting to go out with someone that can afford a restaurant.

2.Your son asks why he hasn't gotten paid his allowance in 2 weeks because you were hoping he would forget.

3.'Sole Survivor' is auditioning families living in the suburbs trying to make it on what junior and Sis can bring in mowing lawns and being Dog/Baby sitters respectively.

4.The POS car you've been riding in and neglecting to put oil into because you were just going to throw an ad on Craig's List suddenly has become a shiny vintage model after you finally put it through a carwash,applied a coat of wax and changed the molasses thick guup normal people would call oil.
It's a wonder what repossession does to make us appreciate the little things.

5.In the good old days an "exciting" Friday night of frivolity used to start with a $90 tab at the 'River Cuisine Downtown', then a short midnight pleasure cruise with drinks and band on the bay.
Today its a 'Deluxe' pizza with all the toppings, a rented movie and a good book before bed since you have to work Saturday because there are 2X's the people who are 1/2 your age, with 1/2 the wrinkles and 1/2 the debt you have vying for your position at work, and your bosses know this.

6. It used to be the weekly glass or two of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam over at the 'Riviera Moonlight Lounge'.
Today its a six-pack of Bud* under the stars, or if its raining in front of the computer.
Gee,what a coincidence.

*That is if you have no taste.Personally if a cardboard box is in my future I want to go out with at least a good imported beer.

7.The newspaper delivery girl is threatening to take you to court and doesn't want to hear your sob story as she tears rubber on your driveway with her bicycle.

8.You start looking for coupons for Spam.

9.You discover that your morbid fear of driving to the nearest Wal-Mart, narrowly avoiding running over idiotic kids and their parents that dart in front; waiting in line for 1/2 hour for the extra 'lunch break' check-out help to arrive; being asked for the proof of purchase from the anti-smiley face gate keeper on your way out then finally waiting 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot without an incident was totally an unfounded phobia.

10.You consciously decide that smiling at the pathetic leering middle-age bald guys at mandatory company meetings isn't as bad as moving back with your parents.

11. You realize you have more respect for the kid emptying waste baskets at Burger King than you do for your financial analyst.

12. You ask your wife to pick up a nice cold six-pack on a hot summer day after you mow the lawn and she comes back with a discounted six-pack of 'fruit-punch' drink and says "we can't afford beer."*

*sometimes there are admisible excuses for divorce.

13. The designer blow-up dolls from Japan you had your eye on are now WAY over your price range. Sadly, a Playboy(tm) magazine subscription is too.

14.Your friends won't let you join them on the "business" weekend getaways coincidentally planned when your in-laws decide for a visit because you still owe them for the last 3 meets.

15.You decide spending money on silly things like Major Medical Insurance* and homeowners insurance is silly because 'nothing ever happens around here' that can't be taken care of.

*Despicable plug for my Medical Insurance agency revenue.

16. BAD:You start 'clicking' banners that say "YOU HAVE JUST WON A 2009 HONDA ACCORD!!"
REALLY BAD: You start believing you might win.

17.You are at the grocery store and decide a few dozen lottery tickets are the best choice between buying the kids lunch meat, good cereal and anti-oxidizing fruits.
Fuck them, they can have crackers.

OK, I cannot tell a lie.Unless you're an IRS agent then I might exaggerate a bit.
Got this idea from a person that is much more cleaner and nicer than I am.
Jim Sinclair from the Silver Bear.
Here they are in descending order:

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Eager to show action on the ailing economy, President Barack Obama promised Monday to speed federal money into hundreds of public works projects this summer, vowing that 600,000 jobs would be created or saved.

Editor's note: Umm..."Created or saved" are remarkably different terms.

What does a Trillion Dollars Look Like?

2009-04-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

Pretty cool item from Deliveries Galore

Have you ever wondered what one trillion dollars looks like? With all the talk about bailouts and stimulus packages - a million here, a billion there - it’s pretty easy to lose track of exactly how MUCH money they’re talking about.

$100
Let’s start with a simple $100 bill - nearly everyone has seen one, and most have used one at some point:

Ahh, hello Mr. Franklin…

$10,000
Now, lets take it a step further - a packet of $100 bills is less than 1/2 inch thick and is worth $10,000. This can easily fit in your pocket and can be used to buy a cheap car or a year of your kid’s tuition:

Vegas, here we come!

$1,000,000
This little pile of cash can easily fit into any backpack and weighs just about 22 lbs. Just in case you didn’t believe that those criminals in the movies couldn’t fit a million bucks in those briefcases, it’s very possible! You’re not likely to ever see this amount of cash in one place unless you work in a bank or are a high-level drug dealer:

What, you’re just gonna stand there? Get the money!

$100,000,000
Here we have $100 million - neatly fits on any standard pallet, weighing in at a little over one ton. You could stash this away in your bedroom and never work another day in your life. No one will ever see this kind of money in one place except Britney Spears and other celebrities:

That money isn’t going anywhere without a forklift…

$1,000,000,000
Now we’re talking big bucks… $1 billion - ten pallets worth of cold, hard cash. This is more than some countries’ GDP (Gross Domestic Product):

You wouldn’t even know what to do with this kind of money…

$1,000,000,000,000
Finally, here we are - one trillion dollars. That’s twelve zeros, go ahead and count ‘em! One MILLION million, or one thousand billion… This is just an obscene amount of money - the dollar value is more than all that are currently in circulation:

Can you still see the guy in the red shirt?

*Maybe i can get that loan for the new truck soon..

Knock 'em out Susan

2009-04-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

Susan Boyle Sings on Britain's Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 @ Yahoo! Video

What a girl.

Happy April!

2009-04-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

CENTRAL STATION ANTWERP, BELGUIM

Justice the American Way

2009-03-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

OK, I've been gone for a while and everyone is bitching at me to do something.So boys and girls today we will talk about one of my favorite subjects:

Opps,sorry about that

We're almost there...

Bingo!

Allow me to explain the Wall Street scam, subsequent crisis, and bailout in a very brief, but effective way for you:

You and your wife have worked hard for years without taking a vacation so you carefully save your money, request leave from work and book a nice long retreat down in St. Thomas. You have called the paper to cancel delivery and notified the police and your neighbors of your absense and ask they keep an eye out on your house.

Unfortunately, the regular paper carrier's car gets repossesed, a kid out of High school takes over and papers start piling up.

Its also kind of unfortunate that the police were busy busting some kids down the road for smoking marijuana and the neighbors just didn't happen to notice the truck in your driveway.

The thieves break into your house, steal everything, and it leaves you nearly broke.

Law enforcement responds by visiting with the thieves and the resellers of the thief's stolen goods in a very friendly setting, perhaps lunch at the Four Seasons. Law enforcement then takes the information to government officials who respond by writing the thief and the resellers a check from what is left of your checking account. They decide this too over lunch, perhaps also at the Four Seasons and on your dime (i.e. taxes).

Then the same government officials declare that a new and better alarm system should be installed in your home and in the home of all Americans, at a high cost to you of course.

(The reality is that the alarm system worked perfectly, but that does not matter).

The thief and the resellers in turn thank these government officials by contributing to their electoral coffers, so they stay in office to help with future robberies. The alarm companies also thank these same government officials by also contributing to their electoral coffers.

In the meantime you have to go to work and put on a smiley face on all day while fighting with the insurance companies that are sure you just forgot to lock the door(neglect), are having marital problems or just need some quick drug fix money.
Your mountainous police reports that have to be notorized and faxed to the convenient number in India seem to have got lost. When you lose your temper and tell them all to get off their fat asses and pay for the goods you've lost or you will come over and rip their heads off and stuff it up their asses, you are courteously hung up upon and receive a visit again from the very courteous law enforcement who take you into custody on threat (terrorist) charges,and you lose your job.

While you begin rotting in a jail cell your wife meets an up and coming business executive that wrongly assumed the house was in forclosure from the lack of furniture and household ammenities. They make a deal and you receive divorce notices in jail but you don't care because the house was already unwater with a balloon payment due next fall and all you want is an some place to go and drink a cold beer.

Which you do when you get out and finally find a new and exciting job.

(Street vending is a job.)

Without the now ex-wife you are able to enjoy other exotic places around town full of laughter, mirth and make new friends.

While all the time scheming to get even with the assholes at the insurance company that screwed you over. So one day you get a great job delivering natural gas that pays $2.00 over minimum wage, but you are not thinking of the extra beer money, you are thinking of driving over to the nice beautiful insurance company.

With your truck.

Lie to your ex and her new boyfriend that an insurance settlement has been reached and to meet you at the insurance company.

Then go have a cold beer with some good friends.

Of course, all this is just fantasy.

**I got this idea from one of coyote's postings, where he got it from atlargely.com, which I embelished considerably.

Men vs. Women in the bathroom

2009-03-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover

up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah sponge, wide loofah sponge

and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a

pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at

her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener

and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub

the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo

sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh (OUT LOUD) at the truth behind this,

there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!

Trashed

2009-02-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

***********

The world has changed a bit since Al Gore wrote "An Inconvenient Truth". Aside from scarring the masses into accepting a Federal "Green Tax", it sure hasn't hurt his portfolio...

(Al Gore's new Houseboat)

The fact that the gov will try to stick it to us to clean up what big industry did is almost par for the course. No, its not almost, it is par.
Speaking of big industry, and the gobs of stuff that are shoved in our face via TV, newspapers or the WWW, its amazing that our planet hasn't just thrown us off it.
Litter & trash everywhere:

What a sad day. The driver should be taken out and shot, just like they did in the old days in Germany.

In landfills that are filling up..

To the seas that are filling up..

At least going to space might be pure and untainted..

Well, maybe not. That's old space junk orbiting the earth?

Then there's different kinds of trash..

The place definitely needs some landscapping..

Trailer park trash..

Well, at least she has a trailer.

Tonight's Friday when I invite some friends over I have to see all kinds of trashing things..

and:

Who let those guys in here?

Then there's talkin trash..

Thanx dudes, maybe I'll win sometime..

At least it's the weekend and now for some special time with a few close friends..

Like a really special time with that blond in the front.Yum.
Y'all have a good weekend now ya hear?

TGYF

2009-02-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

God, a cold beer sounds good about now..

Cheers!

Yea, 36 hours

2009-02-13T15:14:00.000-08:00

Do they sell that over the counter?

Australia Has Moved!

2009-02-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

{AP reporter: SKYE, Manitoba Canada}

Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it. Chavez was not amused!

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

****

KJ note: Thank you Skye for the permission to post, an excellent creation!
Her site is at

Shades of Grey

Signs of our times

2009-02-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

{This idea had been given to me by my fellow blogger buddy over @Moooog(above).Hee hee.
Mooong has a bunch of very creative** posters you might wish to order.}

**(warped)

Along with these that I created for your enjoyment:

Second, in the light that we have only 65 shopping days before April 15th (due day):

What about something as American as Apple Pie?

Ok, too political for you? How about something practical?

Just settle down for a nice spot of lemonade...

And finally we have something everyone of us SNL fans can appreciate:

Well, that's about it for today!

True Love

2009-01-31T06:17:00.000-08:00

My wife sat on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of VB for $29.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

~Next Christmas idea options

I asked my wife

, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

Hat tip to CoyotePrime and thegreenman

***********
SPECIAL BULLETIN

Believe it or not, just a little while ago, I went to church twice a week, a cold beer would never touch my lips and I wouldn't dream of looking at the girls on the beach more than once. OK, maybe twice.
That all changed when I saved up my money and bought a computer.The first thing I did, besides find out what the weather was going to be, was find a joke. Lo and behold I ended up at this guy Spaz's place and my life has ~~gone to hell in a handbasket~~ been full of spice and charm ever since!
Well, truth be told Spaz is having a contest and I'm not above whoring myself out.
But seriously you gotta love the dude.
He's usually funny as hell and the only one that can tell guy jokes and actually have cool girls come over and laugh! You know, just like the old days with friends? Now you got to be politically correct and all that shit. If you want to go have yourself a good time, go out and visit the Knight of Decadence as he takes delicious dives into debauchery!

To all the other contestant losers, I know I did two. Bite me.
(I also used to be nice).

The $35,000 toilet?

2009-01-23T12:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just can't make this stuff up:
In early 2008, much as Merril Lynch CEO John Thain was preparing to slash expenses, cut thousands of jobs and exit businesses to fix the ailing securities firm, he was also spending company money on himself, senior people at the firm say.

According to documents reviewed by The Daily Beast, Thain spent $1.22 million of company money to refurbish his office at Merrill Lynch headquarters in lower Manhattan. The biggest piece of the spending spree: $800,000 to hire famed celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

1) $2,700 for six wall sconces.
2) $5,000 for a mirror in his private dining room.
3) $11,000 for fabric for a "Roman Shade.”
4) $13,000 for a chandelier in the private dining room.
5) $15,000 for a sofa.
6) $16,000 for a "custom coffee table.”
7) $18,000 for a “George IV Desk.”
8) $25,000 for a "mahogany pedestal table.”
9) $28,000 for four pairs of curtains.

10) $35,000 for something called a "commode on legs.”

11) $37,000 for six chairs in his private dining room.
12) $68,000 for a "19th Century Credenza" in his office.
13) $87,000 for a pair of guest chairs.
14) $87,000 for an area rug in Thain's conference room and another area rug for $44,000.
15) $230,000 to his driver for one year’s work.
16) $800,000 to hire celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

So, if you gotta go on the most expensive usable toilet, try the hands-free Neorest toilet. Made in Japan by Toto.Cyclone flush & other features.
Cost around $6,000.00

Control unit

Thain was tapped to run Merrill Lynch as the firm suffered massive losses from investments tied to the depressed real estate market under his predecessor Stan O'Neal, who was ousted in late 2007. Those losses continued through 2008, forcing Thain and his management team to sell the brokerage firm to Bank of America in mid-September or face near certain liquidation as investors fearing further losses began pulling lines of credit and other financing.

Just last week, Bank of America announced that Merrill has suffered an unexpected loss of $1.79 billion for the fourth quarter of 2008, nearly collapsing BofA's purchase. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that without $138 billion in government assistance, including the infusion of $20 billion from the federal government he would have pulled out of the Merrill deal, which was approved by BofA shareholders in early December.
Thain has come under pressure in recent weeks after several top executives at Merrill, including brokerage chief Bob McCann and investment banking head Greg Fleming, abruptly resigned from the firm citing differences with Thain. People close to Lewis say his relationship with Thain was further strained by the recent massive loss. Lewis himself has faced withering criticism for rushing the buy Merrill for $28 billion after less than two days of due diligence.

Since John decided to invest in a 'john' of all johns, why ruin the atmosphere with simply toilet paper? Scottissue? Not on your life! Here we have an excellent product called Renova which costs around $20 for a 3 roll "luxury gift pack". Comes in red, orange, green, black, aqua and fuschia.

"Grossly understating the extent of Merrill's potential losses from Bank of America - assuming the latter firm's stance is to be believed: "The facts are that [Merrill's] fourth quarter was way beyond anything they said would happen," BofA spokesman Robert Stickler to the Wall Street Journal."

So why do I have such a hard-on for John Thain? Jealous? No, just tired of being lied to by CEO's and other professionals from Wall Street to Penn. Ave. to the "unbiased" rating agencies and finally to the scum at the SEC that should have caught this and Bernie Madoff in the bud.
Of course if assholes like this want to poop in a toilet that costs more than the cars I drive, then I say "Welcome to America!"
But when you actively deceive people to obtain that money, well I have another set of values for you:

....................../´¯/)
....................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
..............\.............\...

I hope you were paying attention at your Taekwondo lessons.

I Want My Bail-Out Money

2009-01-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

Nothing says lovin'like a congress thats been bought'n.

Only in California

2009-01-13T14:08:00.000-08:00

Natalie Dylan, 22, claims her offer of a one-night stand has persuaded 10,000 men to bid for sex with her.
Last September, when her auction came to light, she had received bids up to £162,000 ($243,000) but since then interest in her has rocketed...to 5.6 MILLION DOLLARS.

The student who has a degree in Women's Studies insisted she was not demeaning herself.

Miss Dylan, from San Diego, California, USA, said she was persuaded to offer herself to the highest bidder after her sister Avia, 23, paid for her own degree after working as a prostitute for three weeks.

She said she had had a lot of attention from a wide range of men, including "weirdos", "those who get really graphically sexual about what they want to do to me" and "lots of polite requests from rich businessmen".

Miss Dylan said she did not think it was particularly significant to be willing to sell your virginity and insisted that she was happy to undergo medical tests for any doubters.

She said: "I get some men who are obviously looking for a girlfriend but I try and make it clear that this is a one-night-only offer.

"I know that a lot of people will condemn me for this because it's so taboo but I really don't have a problem with that.

"My study is completely authentic in that I truly am auctioning my virginity but I am not being sold into this. I'm not being taken advantage of in any way.

"I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal."

She added: "It's shocking that men will pay so much for someone's virginity, which isn't even prized so highly anymore."

Post YOUR bid @ bunnyranch

Damn, I know the economy {sucks} but so do tuition costs!

I want to go ahead and bid on this (damn, gotta find my BUNNY #), but I'm kind of short these days.Since Spaz AND Flight Risk have refused a very generous loan w/interest request I have to resort to extreme measures. Like Blackmail! Just give me time.I think I might hang out in D.C. for a while.It shouldn't take long.

Oh, and another story from where else? California!
***

{I have just gotta clean up this mess one of these days...}

Father Accused Of Selling Daughter For Beer

GREENFIELD, Calif. -- A father is accused of trying to sell his 14-year-old daughter for marriage in hopes of getting money and 150 cases of beer in return, Greenfield police said.

Macelino de Jesus Martinez, 36, was arrested Monday on suspicion of trying to arrange to have his daughter marry Margarito de Jesus Galindo, 18, for $16,000, 100 cases of Corona, 50 cases of Modelo beer, several cases of meat, two cases of wine, 50 cases of Gatorade and 50 cases of soft drinks, authorities said.

The girl moved in with Galindo and when payments were not received, her father called police to get his daughter back.

Yea, but seriously. What kind of beer was it?

Friends Forever

2009-01-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

If they can get along.....

The Last Party

2009-01-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

Finally, the last party weekend before the beginning of the regular 2009 work week. You buying the beer this time? Figures. You must be from Cleveland, right? I understand.

So, How did you all fair this year? Did your boss give you a holiday "Merry Christmas-you're Fired!" like they did over @ Circuit City Inc? Or are you just filled with excited anticipation for the upcoming ~~bullshit~~ wonderful inauguration and President Obama ~~picking up where Bush left off and screwing us to the wall~~ and looking forward to when the economy will turn around and we can once again show the world the glories of avariciousness?

We recently received a Christmas holiday card from one of our in-laws. It was not just your run-of-the-mill Hallmark card saying "Merry Christmas" Peace on Earth bla bla..., with no attached money or checks in it. The audacity.
Now I'm all for the spirit of the occasion, but geez, with this economy wouldn't it be more prudent than spending $5.98 on a card +$.42 stamp + aggravation that everyone will sign it in their own handwriting + remembering to mail it and hope it doesn't get L.I.T.M. or returned for no apparent reason than simply sending a $6.00 pay-pal gift and saying "HEY! Happy Holidays! Here's something from us to you and your family, Love all of us!!
Of course I might not mention to the others there WAS a $6. gift, but even if I did I can always just say I spent it on gas to get their presents when I probably spent it on a few beers to get into the holiday spirit. Either way I'd still think of the in-laws much more lovingly than if I had to stick a stupid card on the wall then have to throw it in the fireplace on Jan.2.

It was worse. Much Worse. No, much much worse.
We received a QUIZ.

"How much do you know about us and the snot-nosed kids and the gerbil and the dog and the cat that took a junk out of me 7 years ago and I still have the scar and ...?"

Like I even care. I haven't even seen these people in years and I wouldn't invited them over for a drink unless I was in need of immediate medical attention.
I'm sure you've seen these 'unique' quiz letters all around by now so I assume you know what I'm talking about. This bullshit probably started in California by some ex-drug popping, joint smoking hippy gone Jesus, because everything begins in California and works it's way Eastward. Even the weather bows to Hollywood.Even the current economic crisis began in California. I mean who the f*ck would pay $750,000.00 for a one bedroom one bath 490 square footer, right next to the interstate (easy on & off!), with a spectacular view of your neighbor's vinyl siding and expect it to actually increase in value? Idiots.
Which leads me to another story about some business friends that couldn't find enough work around here so...they.moved.to.California?? What the...?
Anyway,that's another story.
But screw Hollywood and screw California, I have a new idea which will transverse the United States from EAST TO WEST, so California can kiss my ass.

If you had an in-law, Like me for instance, don't bore me with details of how 'little Johnny has grown 3" this year"! Who the f*ck cares? Sans little Johnny getting crushed by the school bus one day on his way to school he will probably grow up a few inches every fucking year. We got that. Move on!

If you are too cheap or too lazy to register at Pay Pal and have to refer to your family and friends then do us the favor of giving us some real information. And don't send it on a stupid card. Send it EMAIL so we can Facebook it and leave it for half the world to see. At least we can roll around the floor laughing whilst we are drunk with other family members sharing family time.

Damn, is that little Amy from our old neighborhood at college? My my how fast they grow up.

1. If you're a stockbroker, banker, auto dealer, sales rep: Give us some information from your knowledge on what stocks to buy/dump or who we can go to drop names to get a deal we can't refuse.

2. Tell us how your sex life is going.
Simply stating that " Thomas and I continue to have a satisfying sex life" does not cut it. How many times have you given Thomas head this year? Have you used Viagra yet? How many times? Have you let him go with his friends to a stripper bar? Which one? Did he bring pics home?

3. How much Money did you make this year? What did you blow your hard cash on?
The rest of the family will either love or hate you but either way everyone will know where you stand if they hear you just spent money this year on a 50 foot yacht then we will know something's up.
Very relevant for family, since it gives all other blood-suckers that still pay their electric bill and have internet access the potential for asking for a loan when times get tough, within the parameters of their in-laws income.

4.Tell everyone WHO you voted for in the last presidential election and WHY.
The obtuse and ancient idea of not discussing 'sex,politics,and religion' with family and friends went out when Nixon resigned. Get real. We need to know what side you're on just in case there's a civil war.

5.Take and send pics of your family members. This is especially important if you have developing teenagers for all family&friends to see and ~~admire~~ enjoy!
It is much more realistic if the kids are impromptu and not in a boring pose next to you old geezers; (just getting dressed from the shower for instance) or being tucked into bed. They're so cute when they're surprised! Also, it is very important for there to be proper lighting for ~~copying & distribution~~ family enjoyment. Also,another common mistake is overcome by making sure there's not something blocking their ~~body~~ face.Additionally, it's always more fun to have pictures of what nice friends our family & friends have made over time, especially say,overnight at a 'sleep-in' with them jumping around playing and such.Or away for Spring Break at Fort Lauderdale....

Damn, is that little Suzie up the street that used to be a cheerleader back in middle school?

It's so much more enjoyable to see everyone having fun in pictures!

If all Americans would take my advice we could look forward to a more interesting and fun-filled season next year!

OK. That's my 2 cents, and let it roll westward.
I think I covered everything here, but of course, if you have other ideas let me know.

Peace to all and Happy New Year!

Shout out to Spaz & Flight Risk!

Ode to the Holidays

2008-12-27T07:40:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
People fretted and worried that the Market was down
They fussed and they stressed over 401(k)'s
And wondered how they would survive the coming days.
The stockings were hung (cause the dryer was broken)
But things will get better: Obama has spoken'
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
The true Christmas Miracle: a roof over their heads'
And I, with my mortgage, lay awake late at night
While the cost of our groceries soared to dizzying new heights
The magic of Christmas nearly gone in a flash
Remembering I'd long since run out of cash.
More rapid than eagles, the bills they all came
I pry open my wallet and weakly exclaim:
"On VISA, on AMEX, on MasterCard too"
Charging off our expenses is all I can do.
With Christmas decorations up before Halloween
It's all I can do to not break down and scream'
But another new year is just round the bend
And the hope our economy rebounds again
So this is your present: a poem and a hug
With a thought in my head of all your cute "mugs"
And our hopes you're surviving and staying afloat
If it's any consolation, we're in the same boat
We wish you a gas tank that's always stays full
And a happy, yet somehow affordable Yule
A portfolio as well-rounded as old Santa's tummy
A great Christmas dinner that's truly yummy
Good times, good health, good friends, good cheer
A safe and prosperous Happy New Year
And, of course, our good wishes, since at least they're still free
Mele Kalikimaka - from my family and me!

~author unknown

*a little late,but deal with it.

Humbled

2008-12-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

OK. OK. OK.

So I got lazy and posted a bunch of videos that every normal person saw before Gore invented the internet. Sue me. You have to admit they're pretty good, no?

The reality is that being kinda new to this genre and coming around to view humor bloggers I am in awe at the imaginative and creative writing that goes on from boys & girls that play ball like the old base/basket/football players used to play ball before they let themselves get whored out with multi-million dollar contracts. They did if for fun!

Some of the writings here are better than anything on Saterday Night Live or comedy shops where a beer will cost a $5 note, plus a tip if you don't want the girl to spit in it before serving you.

Anyone that can make others smile in this crappy economy has my vote, and word is my stocks aren't going up anytime too soon. O well, maybe I'll hit the lottery. It's about my time ya know.Then I'll syndicate and buy out a bunch of you gals/guys who don't mind bending over for me and I'll pay you just enough to get you hooked while I negotiate multi-million dollar contracts with Howard Stern.

(Personally I can't wait until I get some groupies.)

I love you guys! I am honored to be a part of this talented community.

Merry Christmas and a safe New Year to all!

Kevin John
Virginia US

The next British Music Invasion

2008-11-29T15:28:00.000-08:00

Absolutely stunning performance by Paul.

******CNN Bullettin******
Paul Potts has been finally accepted in the AGU!*

This gives all of us who are still waiting for our official papers.....hope!

{By the way....Mr. Potts won.}

*Attractive Girls Union

Anti-Obama Forces Return to Challange Elect's Victory

2008-11-28T12:50:00.000-08:00

Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President

Word on the street has stated this as the "cover-up" of the Century in what was not reported by local and main-stream news.

CNN/MSNBC

Union Choke-holds on America

2008-11-27T17:50:00.000-08:00

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

This is just getting out of control.

Stay Healthy & Young

2008-11-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

The U.S.D.A., the A.M.A. want to take this time to let you know how much they care for YOU-the consumer!

Now take your vitamins, watch a little T.V., then go out there and SHOP! It's Christmas time!

Memo 4325.842
Dept. Homeland Security
Dept. of the Treasury
Henry Paulson CEO

President Elect Obama Appointments

2008-11-05T18:06:00.000-08:00

Health & Human Services

In a stunning development the President-Elect said Friday that he will appoint Brittany Spears to head the office of Health & Human Services. The reason was that she identifies with all washed-out and slightly overweight soccer-moms that think they can squeeze into a size 8 bikini (and look good) but have trouble passing the baton to their teenagers who are as hot, or hotter than they ever could be.
Ms. Spear's excited response with such an honor is quoted as saying " Me?? OMG! I don't have a THING to wear! But I'll get some stuff together, I think..."

Ms. Spears is still expected to accept the nomination.

****

Oversight & Fitness (EOOF)

Michael Jordan(pictured above), is yelling at Congressman Randy Forbes(R-Va) and/or other lethargic fat- assed elected officials to
'Get the lead out!', in a mandatory practice run after his appointment from President-elect Obama to the newly created office of "Elected Official Oversight & Fitness (EOOF), Friday evening.
Mr. Jordan, whom is best known for his triumphant multi-year NBA Wins for the Chicago Bulls in the early 90's was selected to be in charge of ethics and physical fitness for members of Congress after years of failing to care to vote, not voting at all or not even being present to vote and in the mean-time growing lazier and fatter thereby increasing the risk of heart disease, stroke and being hung from light poles by their constituents.
Mr. Jordan said: " I am elated Mr. Obama choose me to head such an important agency. But having kicked his Milano ass several times in one-on-one hoops back in Chi-Town, he actually owed me one. Thank you, President-Elect, I will do my best. Mike."
*****

Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia

New Appointments for United States Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia:
Mr. Carlos Mencia.
Mr. Mencia was evidently excited, though pulling up roots in their beautiful paid-for, no mortgage 7000 sq. ft home in L.A. would be tuff.
" I am honored President Elect picked me to head the relations to one of the largest and formally most feared countries in the world".
Mrs. Mencia was alleged to be looking at properties for sale around the D.C. area, but found it hard to find one that has palm trees and maintains a yearly 70 degree inside and outside temperature.
Mrs. Mencia was encouraged though by the thoughtful and relatively quick drive in and around the U.S. Capitol Beltway. Observing people only driving 95 in a 65 mph, she was pleasantly charmed by the hospitality of Easterner's driving etiquette.
"Why, it only took us 90 minutes to travel the 35 miles we had to go to get to the malls from the Overlook. In L.A., it would have been twice that long on the 405-at midnight! And people are so courteous when you have to cut them off to turn, they only honk a few minutes and maybe give you a finger and call you a racial name. In L.A. they might do that AFTER they blew your tires out with the sawed-off shot gun hiding under their seats. It's lovely here! I can't wait for the Cherry blossoms!"
Mr. Mencia, who is know nation-wide as an authority on civil rights and laid-back style humor that got his name into many conversation circles, has a daunting task ahead of him. U.S. alliance with the situation in Georgia and the current N.A.T.O. expansion are just some of the tender diplomatic points that he will face.

"Russia is a wonderful country and I am honored to represent L.A. (and the rest of America)", when asked what he would say as the U.S. ambassador to Russia, Mr. Mencia went on to say: "When I get a face-to-face with Russian President Putin he will have to cut the deck and Anne up.I'm sure he's gonna say his country's got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles that are targeted for the United States so we better do good. Well, Mr. Putin needs to know we got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles ALONE aimed at his white Socialist ass in Moscow each and every day, bitch!"

Mr. Mencia added: " I grew up as a "wetback" in L.A., during the South Central Riots, and let me tell you something: Gandhi's ways might have worked in India, but they sure as hell's not gonna work around here! Don't piss on the boot that has your neck against the sidewalk kinda thing, yaknow?"

President Elect Obama, hearing of the enthusiasm of Mr. & Mrs. Mencia's appointment said:" I am charmed by their patriotism and support for Mr. Mencia's apparent knowledge in diplomacy.I just wish I had more like Mr. Mencia to get the job done."
*****

Department of Education

Sandra age 42 English teacher

****

Joe "the plumber" Daddy Lydell
http://coedmagazine.com/news-ish/6069/

****

In a surprising move, President Elect Obama has selected Mr.J.D. Lydell to head the department of Education and take the many Dept. Head circulars of the failed 'No Child Left Behind' and have a bonfire out back of the Whitehouse @ 7p.m. Jan 29, 2009 and Everyone must BYO hotdogs.

Mr. Lydell was quoted as saying:

"My man, Bar! Way to go dog! President Obama is on da bus, in choosing meh to be head of educatin' our kids. The first thing I did was to get these two cougars outta the big house for spending a little quality time with the kids. Though they had a bit of trouble with the law, what person hasn't? They are still teachers that we need to teach our children. Come now, get real. If YOU were a dude and still in high school would you even THINK of skipping a class if these hos wanted to teach you a little 'extra-curricular activity'? Hell no! Look at that English teach, will ya? Can you believe the bitch is 42? I don't care if she's 75! If I had a charm like that I would be reading Shakespeare to my Harvard friends on my yacht- today! And DAMN, who the HELL ever had a SUB like that???(below) Jesus- save me!!! I wouldn't THINK of skipping a class, or getting a grade below an B+ if she was at the helm,.. I mean the teacher!

Word peeps! This is the end to any skipping in any school across the country for any dude that is not queer or that hasn't entered puberty. We can look into some of the male offenders too. The girls and others that will be in school- just to be around the other guys and girls will increase district funding and get better grades for our kids! Isn't this better than the stupid 'No Kid gets it in the behind thing'? They all did anyway!
I propose to get ANY female or male that has ever been arrested for a silly sex-with-minor charge, get them licensed in education and put them into a classroom where they can do the most people, er, I mean good.
This is the time for change and Mr.President Elect meant what he said! Peace out dogs!"

Cameo-sub age 29

*******

Undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce

Rivers Cuomo , (former Weazer lead singer),was selected to become the undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce, replacing has-been former Secretary "We might be near a recession" Gutierrez. The reason given by President-elect spokesman Jerome Nape was due to his confidence in the great successes of Weazer and of Mr. Cuomo.
Mr. Nape:
"The nation's voting youth's obvious faith in their musical idols combined with the fact that one of their number one songs was "Beverly Hills" plays into the strategic economic policy of the new administration to bring Change to America".
Mr. Cuomo, ending a nation-wide tour with tired druged-out and groupie sex band players was still excited with the nomination.
Mr. Cuomo is quoted as saying: "Let's face it, my appointment, however humble it shall be, is going to draw thousands of cool people back to California. It's where it's at, where it's been at and you're a looser if you live anywhere else. With the possible exception of Bakersfield, in your heart you know that's true.
California is the top of the hill and Beverley Hills is the Golden Egg on the hill, and with my appointment and music in the background, millions of kids will descend on California, buying foreclosed homes, filling needed jobs and paying more in taxes. Besides, we need to get more blonds in town. Most of the old ones are getting a beer gut."

Mr. Nape, conveying the President-elect's appreciation for Mr. Cuomo's agreement to accept said:

"At the very least it will increase GDP productivity by a project 15.988% by wage earners just attempting to save the money to move to California.
This is the economic breakthrough that America needs!"

*************

In other news, Music Hit Stars Cold Play agreed to be in Washington D.C. at the inauguration playing "Viva La Vida" in commemoration of the exiting administration.

White House Press Conference

2008-11-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

Sometime in April, 2009..

Major Announcement on Economic Policy,
The White House Press Room:

(we pick up just after the meeting has come to order)

" Yes, Helen, it's always good to see you again (retching noises)....Katie! Good to see you, and you too Tom! I am sorry but there will be no questions & answers after this statement, per the president's request. {{groans}}

{Ahem} As I was saying, the tough financial position in the United States is soley due to the irresponsibility of some people buying houses in the last few years that they couldn't afford after they got stupidly laid-off or had a silly disease like Cancer because they couldn't afford health insurance and had to pay the CAT SCAN bill then made a bad choice between living and staying current on their mortgage.
We ALL have to pay for the bad decisions others make and that's just not right, unless you are making less than $10,000/year which gives you a virtual get-out-of jail-free card- except for taxes, health care, food, continuing education and DUI's. That's on you.

President Obama has met with top financial advisors within the IMF and the World Bank. He has flown numerous times to Brussels to consult with financial leaders in other freedom loving countries , and I believe we have a three point plan that we all-as Americans,can be proud of.

#1. All ABC and state liquer stores will be authorized to sell FDA aproved and US certified Marajuanna, Cocaine, Jack, Extasy and meth blow to only American Citizens. They will be instructed not to sell to immigrants that want to come to our country illegally and take away American drugs,..er, I mean Jobs from hard working American families.
This will necessitate the expansion of many ABC and state ATF stores nationwide. This will mean major construction projects, employing thousands of construction workers, commercial real-estate agents and experienced drug pushers that over the years through work hard and paying taxes can look forward working to the American dream. This will deliver 34.4567 Trillion dollars to the GDP over 10 years.

#2.Since the US has the largest per capita rate of prisoners incorporating a thriving prison and barbed-wire industry that is made-in-America it only makes sense to take advantage of this resource. The decision has been reached to 'Insource' prisoners from China, India, Pakistan and Outer Mongolia where the respective governments will save money from not having to house those offenders and terrorists, bring them here and create American jobs by using the American made fascilities we already have at our disposal. Having faith that we have a dozens of third world despots, communist rulers, mafia bosses (in house and out of country) that agree to the financial terms we offer, the United States will agree to house, medically treat injuries (caused by the guards), feed and (for a nominal extra feee), torture.
With all the extra camps that were built recently by Haliburtan & KKR within the United States, and the expansion of Guatanomo and other top secret underground plants, we have plenty of resources available, with highly skilled & experienced prison detention labor to bid & secure such an important contract for true Americans. This alone will deliver at least 792.57 Billion dollars per year to the GDP.

#3. Because of the economic situation it has become apparent there has been a rise in...shall we say, "ladies of the night" arrests. Throughout America the horror of seeing some girl or guy agree to have sex for money to pay for silly things like food or rent is just unfathonalbe.

We are developing a plan in conjuction with the former administration's failed ' No Child Left Behind' strategy, that orchestrates the arrest of any prostitue, unmarried sex offender, or female students bearing breasts at college football games. This will be applicable to males where appropriate and punishable by law.
In this exciting time of change for the American people, it is well known not be be fair that one stud and his friend can walk into a room and walk out with any girl they desire, within the first 45 minites.
The fact that most of the time the females are blond is missing the point entirely.
Unfortunately, you have others like Sam who work very hard scrapping together enough money from their Wal-mart jobs to afford their freshly ironed plaid-pants w/bow-tie and the cover charge just to get dissed by some gorgeous hunk of sweet thing that any man in the world would walk a mile barefoot over broken glass to shake hands with.

Just because Sam might have a few extra (dozen) whiteheads glowing on his face, or the large heavy rimmed high-definition glasses he should not be procluded from getting it on with at least one "bring-Tafy-alone-she-makes-us-look-so-hot", size 14 'more-of-me-to-love' babes. With this new plan he will!
We need to spread the wealth ladies & gentlemen, and that's just what the American public voted President Obama into office to do last fall.

This policy, when passed by the Senate will endeavor to clean up our cities, and our colleges in an attempt to look sterile and economically prospersous like China. If it worked there, then it should work here. However, since Americans are more ingenous than anyone in the world we have implemented a plan that would make every offender work off their crime by using the means of their trade by paying off their crime! Do you folks have any idea what the stagering amount Americans pay for porn? Incredible!
Simply put, the United States would legalize public sex, internet sex, sex between minors ,gay-sex and sex with vegitables as long as the participants are adults and citizens of the United States, that are legally licensed. Legal Licenses would be available at any state DMV or on-line and payable with Visa, Mastercard or American -Express.There would be a discount for three or more selections.

Under our policy, Sam will not only find the love he wants without breaking his retirement account or waiting until the crack of dawn for a girl to have dillusions, but have sex with anyone he can afford and go about building prosperity for America the next day at Wal-Mart refreshed & revigerated!

We can increase the GDP, with this plan and the You Tube per view charge by at least 87.5983 Trillion within 10 years!!

These three altenatives alone will dramtically increase governement funds, as well as increasing revenue and paying of the debt that every American will be relieved on in the years to come.
In addition we are proposing an added tax-rebate sharing program to American families of up to 15% on every trick-drug and insourced prisoner that increases the GDP budget in the next tax year. Alaska doesn't have all the good ideas, dontcha know!

Good Night and God Bless and God Bless the United States of America!

2008-11-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

"You're Fired!"

Credit: funnyordie.com

***

"In the end, all these large banks will come crashing down like a ton of bricks because they are irretrievably insolvent, and then they, along with the privately owned Fed, will be nationalized and merged into one super-entity, which will be given all regulatory power over the financial industry..They will no longer have to kill off the small fry by creating catastrophes.. They will simply regulate them out of existence until their banking and financial interests have achieved god-like, dictatorial power.. Once they control all financial matters with an iron fist, the Constitution will become irrelevant because the people will no longer have any power to exercise except by revolution, and we can assure you that a revolution is going to come, and soon."
-Chapman: The International Forcaster 29Oct2008

2008-10-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

Oscar nominee

Hat tip to Coyote!

Priceless

2008-10-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

****

Howard J. Banneff III

I have been asked by your host, Kevin John, whom, may I add is of the uppermost (straight & narrow) caliber of people noteworthy of record and be associated with, to come here and set the record straight on the ridiculous media's reporting about our fine people here and the company we oversee : AIG American General Inc.

Look. Let's be frank. I understand that you (peasants) people (cannot) have a hard time understanding the complicated and intricate (corrupted) workings of a major insurance corporation and are miffed (ready to go to war with the US government) that your taxes might go up a few hundred dollars a year because of it. So what?
That buys a good burgundy these days? Get real. I've tipped more than that for the idiot who parked my BMW.
OK. So you had to give us a few bucks, but look at what you've got: a major AMERICAN company, with AMERICAN workers whom (outside of the top execs and insiders) get paid at least $2.79/hour MORE than minimum wage to help cover their health insurance costs. What person these days wouldn't jump on that offer?
This is all about the silly little conference(orgy celebration) we had at St. Regis resort
in California for the company to "regroup" and think strategy.Do you think Lloyds of London is going to stop being a thorn in our side?
We spent a little too much I'll admit, and St. Regis is considered one of the top resort/company priced places for an annual picnic, but this was a special event. What would YOU have done if someone just gave YOU $85 BILLION ? Have a pow-wow at the Holiday Inn Express with the 'Free Continental Breakfast'? I think not.

And seriously folks, to only focus on that we were all just laughing , drinking, and rolling around on the floor naked in 2" of fifty and one hundred dollar USD's with some of St. Regis's maid service employees is missing the point entirely.

We relaxed. Professional body messages by top grade professionals (large-breasted women not a day over 24 yrs old) and professional companion advisers(hookers) do not come cheap!

And Oy Vey, the cost of food and drink these days? A few years ago you could get a Wray & Nephew White Overproof Rum , a simple desert such as Chocopologie by Knipschildt or a good Knish for a few measly five thousand dollars (each). They are much more than that now. We should look into a law!

Would you people rather we celebrate at Burger King?

The rhetoric and gall of the elected officials against us with this 'witch hunt' and their asking Robert & Martin to cancel their 6 month planned Hilton Head Golf outing to testify at the House Oversight committee was very hard on our colleagues. We were SO upset of the actions of some of the Congressman and women who posted story after story of our 'alleged abuses' in the papers that we refused to go a penny higher than the nominal $21,356.69 per person
"campaign" (bribe) pledge -and we STUCK TO OUR GUNS. After all- this is YOUR money we're talking about!

Even Mr. Dinallo understood the significance of having a spirited (allot of spirit) conference and regroup

"under the circumstances".

After all the 'campaign distributions (bribes) were done, the hotel/resort was paid and the services (catering and whores) were given remuneration, even the VERY SAME PEOPLE that were chastising us felt sorry enough after we explained in detail and after cancellation of many scheduled (gold) golf outings and gave us another (BAIL OUT ) loan of an additional $37.8 BILLION!

Even they saw the truth in what we had to say (after they were bribed).

You can always trust your representatives in Washington right?

Good night, God Bless, and Don't forget to vote for John McCain and (milf) Sarah Palin next month!

Howard

2008-10-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

***
Q) What's the capital of Iceland?

About £3.50

****
I went to fill up my gas tank and I couldn't decide between leveraged and unleveraged"
****

I Went to Best Buy to get a toaster and they gave me a free bank with purchase..
****

The Unknown

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.
—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing
Don Rumsfeld (Author's note:the only true thing he said in office. Kev).

**
**
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK

***
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
G. Reinis, Lafayette, CA USA
***

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tom, London, UK
***
And my Favorite.......

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada

{Author's note: Thank you to all the fine folks @ CR! My friend from Calgary hits it on the head."Hey man-pass a cold one over, eh?" Kev}

credit:http://calculatedrisk.blogspot.com/

Securitized Housing Investment Trust

2008-10-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

"The No Banker-Left-Behind Bill"

Securitized Housing Investment Trust

HANKY PANKY BANKING BAILOUT

Once the 700 Billion Bailout Bill is passed a new public/private entity willbe created. This new entity will be known as the Securitized HousingInvestment Trust and will be referred to using the acronym S.H.I.T. Once Paulson and the administration get their S.H.I.T. together, all of our financialproblems will be behind us. In addition to purchasing illiquid mortgage assets, Detroit crack houses, abandoned FEMA trailers, and other real estateassets, the trust will also purchase porta potties. Paulson is quoted as saying: " The porta potty acquisition is the crown jewel of our plan. As theUS Dollar reaches parity with toilet paper, left over toilet paper in the porta potties could be a valuable asset. We expect a return of 100, 200 oreven 1000% on the toilet paper asset alone relative to the US Dollar."Most political analysts are in agreement, this will be the largest S.H.I.T. on the face of the planet. No major non-party economic advisor was asked to contribute as the details of this essential legislation were too complicated for the average PHd economic professor to absorb.
"We need to cut through the chase on this." Spokeswoman at a White House forum said. No name was given because she is forbidden to talk on important issues without knowing a thing about them. "We cannot afford to confuse the American people".

President Bush is meeting with top party officials to begin the environmental conservation of all household and rationing of all PPTP assets immediately. "We will not fail the American people". Mr. Bush is quoted as saying.
"As soon as S.H.I.T. hits the floor and the house I encourage every honorable American to support this bill".
"Do NOT take S.H.I.T. lightly-it has the ingredients in it that will transform America's continued role in serving as the protector of peace and democracy throughout the world."

Major CNN and FOX commentators have corroborated their excitement for Congress to finally bring up something as monumentally important to the average American hard working tax payer as S.H.I.T.
Fox's Sean Hannity is quoted as saying:

" I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am that Congress is beginning to wake up and smell the coffee." This SHIT is the real thing ladies and gentlemen. This might be the last chance to get a point across to the evil democrats that the real deal is in this piece of SHIT".

Even Religious leader John Hagee is espousing the important elements and essential passing of the SHIT legislation: "Jesus would have loved this plan folks." In fact, after coming out of many hours of prayer in the last few weeks for the salvation of our country and illumination of plans to keep American and Its friends free and democratic we need this SHIT as much as we need the good Lord preached in this holy church".
I say to you today- the DEVIL does not like SHIT, will not tolerate SHIT and does not want you to see SHIT for what it really is!!!"
Mr. Hagee went on to say that he was encouraged his 8000 congregation with multiple toilets inside as well as outside on the sports field campus would be proud to be a voluntary PPTP member and help the assets of all true Christians and Americans by supporting this godly SHIT legislation that is long overdue.
"By supporting SHIT you prove yourself to be a real God-fearing American and contributor to America's future".

credit due: Les/Smoking Mirrors