Fantasy:What we really want.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What a Man wants in a woman! {Rebutal} (by Kevin)

What I want in a Woman (Original list age 17)


1.A stunning blond long- legged model, preferably from Playboy
2.Enjoys sex at least 5 times per day, whenever I feel like it.
3.Has an ultra rich father/mother that showers us with special gifts
4.Enjoys being around 'the guys' and joins in weekend Football beerfest activities while making everyone steak and trimmin's on our new outdoor grill that she bought for me for my birthday.
5.NEVER nags, whines or crabs about silly things, like the new Porshe I bought.
6.Always keeps the outdoor fridge stocked with plenty of (cold) beer,without asking for money to do so.
7.Exclaims how wonderful it is to be married to a great guy like me.
8.Has new and exciting sex ideas that would blow your mind
9.Never complains when the guys meet @ AJ Gators for a night out playing pool and partying.
10.Makes sure the house is spotless when I come home from work or with the guys after AJ Gators-then fixes us snacks and parties with us.
11.Loves to go skinny-dipping and have sex.
12.Always smiling, always funny, and conversational and totally understanding of any faults (I might) have.



What I want in a woman (revised list) age 29


1. A great looking blond (or brunette, redhead) girl
2. Enjoys sex at least 3 times a day, whenever I feel like it.
3. Has a good job so we can both afford the finer things in life.
4. Is a great mother and keeps her shape, even after 3 kids, whom she always takes care of.
5. Lets me and the guys cook meals during a football party for her and the kids
6. Tells me I am a pretty cool dude.
7. Picks up a 12 pack for our outdoor fridge if I give her the money for the other groceries.
8. Still looks hot in a bikini
9. Loves new sex ideas
10. Doesnt mind too much when I ask permission (a week in advance) if I can go out to AJ Gators with the buds.
11.Doesn't get speeding or reckless driving tickets
12.Likes my friends and sometimes will bring us a bowl of chips during poker games.


What I want in a woman (revised list ) age 41


1. A decent looking lady.
2. Enjoys sex at least 2 times a month
3. Never complains about working overtime so we can afford the finer things in life
4.Doesn't ask for money that often
5. Lets me buy my own beer and put it alongside of the Juicy Fruit Juice the kids drink in the fridge.
6.Doesn't blow a gasket if she catches me and the guys checking out the new Playboy magazine-as long as it's not in front of the kids.
7. Lets me bring a few friends home to watch the football game and drink a few beers.
8. Doesn't complain to much when I forget to clean the house or do the dishes from the night before.
10.Allows me to give her some extra cash so she & the gals can leave the house while me & the guys play a little poker.
11. Usually smiles much more than frowns.


What I want in a woman (revised list) age 53


1.A woman that doesn't weigh more than me.
2 Never demands sex more than 1X every other month.
3.Works over time so we can eat
4.Thows a can of speggetti-Os on the stove for me sometimes when I'm late from work.
5.Allows me to bring one friend home to help with the outside chores, bitch about the economy and drink beer.
6.Doesn't know I sneak out and meet my freinds at AJ Gators sometimes
7.Nags less often then being silient or going on her facebook page for the night.
8.Allows me to go over to a friends house to play a little poker.
9.Doesn't come up with stupid new sex ideas
10. Says 'thank you' after I give her money for groceries, mortgage and extra clothes.
11. Allows me to have some 'quiet time' alone in my study,with my computer.


What I want in a woman (revised list) age 65


1.A woman that doesn't weigh much more than my pick up.
2.Never wants sex
3.Doesn't smell too bad
4.Won't scare me in the middle of the night if I happen to roll over and open my eyes.
5.Is quiet more than talks.
6.Brings me a cup of coffee in the morning occassionally.
7.Leaves when I ask some friends to come over and watch TV
8. Doesn't check my outside fridge to see how much beer is there.
9.Takes a bath at least once a week.
10. Gives me some of her change so I can go over to the play a little poker with the guys.
11.Allows me to have some 'quiet time' alone in my study, with my computer.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------



What a woman wants in a man!


What I Want In a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 42 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 42 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."


MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

*************

What we usually end up with:

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The latest rogue wave broke about ten days ago, when an orgy of foreclosure revealed massive irregularities in mortgage contracts and property titles, suggesting a slovenliness so arrant and broad that even the states' attorneys general woke from their narcoleptic raptures of golf to shut down transfers of distressed property.

-James Howard Kunstler

Sign of the Times

San Fransisco Fire,San Bruno neighborhood, Sept. 2010



USA Pardox

This might be a problem

Especially if you had invetested in BP stock. But who am I?

Win A Herbal Vaporizer

Win A Herbal Vaporizer

To hell with the vaporizer. Scroll down on their page and check out the HOTTIE with nothing on but buds! HELLO DOLLY!!!

Yea yea, someday I've gotta grow up...

V-on President's Day

Bankers need to eat too.

Little cute girl: "Daddy, I'm still hungry."

Dad: "I know honey. We all are."

LCG: "When can we eat again? My tummy hurts so."

Dad: "Just as soon as we save enough to pay the mortgage."

LCG: "But why Daddy?"

Dad: "Because Bankers need to eat too sweetie."


DO YOUR CIVIC DUTY: PAY YOUR MORTGAGE AND CREDIT CARD DEBTS FIRST!
*************************
{a public service announcement from your friendly Bankers on Wall Street and the London Exchange}
*************************


{Number of Associates that received bonuses in 2009 alone.}
First row: 3Million+, Second Row: 2Million+ Last Row: 1Million+

Bank of America: 28 /65 / 172
Bank of New York Mellon: 12 / 22 / 74
Citigroup: 124 / 176/ 738
Goldman Sachs: 212 / 391/ 953
J.P. Morgan Chase: 200+ / - / 1626
Merrill Lynch: 149 / - / 696
Morgan Stanley: 101 / 189 / 428
State Street: 3 / 8 / 44
Wells Fargo: 7 / 22 / 62
Source: WSJ

In all this, nobody is really that mad yet...






But they better hope the kids don't get an attitude in the future...





credits: Nova (American Apocalypse)

Calculated Risk

Has anyone asked why?

Dear Abby...I mean Dear Allen,

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing-your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too?If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose wight adn gives a great glow to your skin. Interetingl, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowness with other men. A night out with the boys bowling and ogling young single girls is a great stress reliever and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two(it's a great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotinal and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and yoru best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming.Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should;He shold never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by perfomring oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.





Thanks to non other than:...... COYOTE!

Classes For Women Meet Shortly

Subject: Classes For Women



Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday September 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..



Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM



Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

credit: jm

Everything is OK

Just do it!

The Word is Powerful

*LEARN HOW YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS MAKE FOOLS OF US MORTALS!

*SEE HOW THE IDIOT MANAGERS OVER YOU COMPEL YOU TO PUT EGG ON YOUR FACE TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

*TOTALLY GAIN BACK CONTROL OF YOUR ARROGANT COCKY TEENAGERS BY CALMLY DISCUSSING THINGS TO THEM IN FRONT OF THEIR FRIENDS!

**A MUST HAVE FOR ANYONE THINKING OF BECOMING AN INVESTMENT ANALYST, TREASURY DEPARTMENT SUPER, FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN OR DICTATOR!


"You know how it is. You’re enjoying yourself, kicking back and relaxing at the pub or maybe at the library; or maybe you’re in class or just casually surfing the internet, indulging in a little conversation. The topic of the conversation is about a pertinent contemporary issue, probably something to do with a group of people who fall outside your realm of experience and identity. They’re also probably fairly heavily discriminated against - or so they claim.
The thing is, you’re having a good time, sharing your knowledge about these people and their issues. This knowledge is incontrovertible - it’s been backed up in media representation, books, research and lots and lots of historical events, also your own unassailable sense of being right.
Yet all of a sudden something happens to put a dampener on your sharing of your enviable intellect and incomparable capacity to fully perceive and understand All Things. It’s someone who belongs to the group of people you’re discussing and they’re Not Very Happy with you. Apparently, they claim, you’ve got it all wrong and they’re offended about that. They might be a person of color, or a queer person. Maybe they’re a woman, or a person with disability. They could even be a trans person or a sex worker. The point is they’re trying to tell you they know better than you about their issues and you know that’s just plain wrong. How could you be wrong?

Don’t worry though! There IS something you can do to nip this potentially awkward and embarrassing situation in the bud. By simply derailing the conversation, dismissing their opinion as false and ridiculing their experience you can be sure that they continue to be marginalised and unheard and you can continue to look like the expert you know you really are, deep down inside!
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE PRIVILEGE!

Just follow this step-by-step guide to Conversing with Marginalized People™ and in no time at all you will have a fool-proof method of derailing every challenging conversation you may get into, thus reaping the full benefits of every privilege that you have.

The best part is, you don't even have to be a white, heterosexual, cisgendered, cissexual, upper-class male to enjoy the full benefits of derailing conversation! Nope, you can utilize the lesser-recognized tactic of Horizontal Hostility to make sure that, despite being a member of a Marginalized Group™ yourself, you can exercise a privilege another Marginalized Group™ doesn't have in order not to heed their experience!

Read on, and learn, and remember… you don’t have to use these in any particular order! In fact, mixing them up can really keep those Marginalized People™ on their toes! After all, they are pretty much used to hearing this stuff, so you don’t want to get too predictable or they’ll get lazy!"


So are you curious howest you may gain control of people without resorting to Voodoo?
Do you want women and/or men to be flocking at your feet vying to gain your attention and honor because you are obviously very well learned?

Then take the time to read this easy step-by-step manual on how YOU TOO can become a smug arrogant asswipe and still have position and power!**








**(..and you will quite probably get laid more than your adversaries!)






Credit:D4D

Even Ben Can be funny!

"It must only be a coincidence.Why get all bothered?"






You know, maybe it really is important to watch what is going on @ the Central Banking Authority(The Federal Reserve).

Nah, it's Miller time.



Maybe tomorrow.

True* Public Debate

Like, we can make things like cars and like we will get help from above andlike we believe in the union and thats what we are.

Now I know why there's a DePop program....


*Actually true. God help us.

Can you spare a dime, er, I mean a ten-spot?

Top signs the Economy might be in trouble

1. You call up your new dating service for rates and they say they have a special this month with matches for your age with interested single,divorced and those just wanting to go out with someone that can afford a restaurant.

2.Your son asks why he hasn't gotten paid his allowance in 2 weeks because you were hoping he would forget.

3.'Sole Survivor' is auditioning families living in the suburbs trying to make it on what junior and Sis can bring in mowing lawns and being Dog/Baby sitters respectively.

4.The POS car you've been riding in and neglecting to put oil into because you were just going to throw an ad on Craig's List suddenly has become a shiny vintage model after you finally put it through a carwash,applied a coat of wax and changed the molasses thick guup normal people would call oil.
It's a wonder what repossession does to make us appreciate the little things.

5.In the good old days an "exciting" Friday night of frivolity used to start with a $90 tab at the 'River Cuisine Downtown', then a short midnight pleasure cruise with drinks and band on the bay.
Today its a 'Deluxe' pizza with all the toppings, a rented movie and a good book before bed since you have to work Saturday because there are 2X's the people who are 1/2 your age, with 1/2 the wrinkles and 1/2 the debt you have vying for your position at work, and your bosses know this.

6. It used to be the weekly glass or two of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam over at the 'Riviera Moonlight Lounge'.
Today its a six-pack of Bud* under the stars, or if its raining in front of the computer.
Gee,what a coincidence.

*That is if you have no taste.Personally if a cardboard box is in my future I want to go out with at least a good imported beer.

7.The newspaper delivery girl is threatening to take you to court and doesn't want to hear your sob story as she tears rubber on your driveway with her bicycle.

8.You start looking for coupons for Spam.

9.You discover that your morbid fear of driving to the nearest Wal-Mart, narrowly avoiding running over idiotic kids and their parents that dart in front; waiting in line for 1/2 hour for the extra 'lunch break' check-out help to arrive; being asked for the proof of purchase from the anti-smiley face gate keeper on your way out then finally waiting 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot without an incident was totally an unfounded phobia.

10.You consciously decide that smiling at the pathetic leering middle-age bald guys at mandatory company meetings isn't as bad as moving back with your parents.

11. You realize you have more respect for the kid emptying waste baskets at Burger King than you do for your financial analyst.

12. You ask your wife to pick up a nice cold six-pack on a hot summer day after you mow the lawn and she comes back with a discounted six-pack of 'fruit-punch' drink and says "we can't afford beer."*


*sometimes there are admisible excuses for divorce.


13. The designer blow-up dolls from Japan you had your eye on are now WAY over your price range. Sadly, a Playboy(tm) magazine subscription is too.

14.Your friends won't let you join them on the "business" weekend getaways coincidentally planned when your in-laws decide for a visit because you still owe them for the last 3 meets.

15.You decide spending money on silly things like Major Medical Insurance* and homeowners insurance is silly because 'nothing ever happens around here' that can't be taken care of.


*Despicable plug for my Medical Insurance agency revenue.

16. BAD:You start 'clicking' banners that say "YOU HAVE JUST WON A 2009 HONDA ACCORD!!"
REALLY BAD: You start believing you might win.

17.You are at the grocery store and decide a few dozen lottery tickets are the best choice between buying the kids lunch meat, good cereal and anti-oxidizing fruits.
Fuck them, they can have crackers.


OK, I cannot tell a lie.Unless you're an IRS agent then I might exaggerate a bit.
Got this idea from a person that is much more cleaner and nicer than I am.
Jim Sinclair from the Silver Bear.
Here they are in descending order:



12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.








Eager to show action on the ailing economy, President Barack Obama promised Monday to speed federal money into hundreds of public works projects this summer, vowing that 600,000 jobs would be created or saved.


Editor's note: Umm..."Created or saved" are remarkably different terms.

What does a Trillion Dollars Look Like?

Pretty cool item from Deliveries Galore



Have you ever wondered what one trillion dollars looks like? With all the talk about bailouts and stimulus packages - a million here, a billion there - it’s pretty easy to lose track of exactly how MUCH money they’re talking about.



$100
Let’s start with a simple $100 bill - nearly everyone has seen one, and most have used one at some point:



Ahh, hello Mr. Franklin…




$10,000
Now, lets take it a step further - a packet of $100 bills is less than 1/2 inch thick and is worth $10,000. This can easily fit in your pocket and can be used to buy a cheap car or a year of your kid’s tuition:




Vegas, here we come!




$1,000,000
This little pile of cash can easily fit into any backpack and weighs just about 22 lbs. Just in case you didn’t believe that those criminals in the movies couldn’t fit a million bucks in those briefcases, it’s very possible! You’re not likely to ever see this amount of cash in one place unless you work in a bank or are a high-level drug dealer:


What, you’re just gonna stand there? Get the money!




$100,000,000
Here we have $100 million - neatly fits on any standard pallet, weighing in at a little over one ton. You could stash this away in your bedroom and never work another day in your life. No one will ever see this kind of money in one place except Britney Spears and other celebrities:


That money isn’t going anywhere without a forklift…




$1,000,000,000
Now we’re talking big bucks… $1 billion - ten pallets worth of cold, hard cash. This is more than some countries’ GDP (Gross Domestic Product):


You wouldn’t even know what to do with this kind of money…




$1,000,000,000,000
Finally, here we are - one trillion dollars. That’s twelve zeros, go ahead and count ‘em! One MILLION million, or one thousand billion… This is just an obscene amount of money - the dollar value is more than all that are currently in circulation:


Can you still see the guy in the red shirt?


*Maybe i can get that loan for the new truck soon..

Knock 'em out Susan

Susan Boyle Sings on Britain's Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 @ Yahoo! Video

What a girl.

Happy April!

CENTRAL STATION ANTWERP, BELGUIM

Justice the American Way

OK, I've been gone for a while and everyone is bitching at me to do something.So boys and girls today we will talk about one of my favorite subjects:



Opps,sorry about that


We're almost there...



Bingo!




Allow me to explain the Wall Street scam, subsequent crisis, and bailout in a very brief, but effective way for you:

You and your wife have worked hard for years without taking a vacation so you carefully save your money, request leave from work and book a nice long retreat down in St. Thomas. You have called the paper to cancel delivery and notified the police and your neighbors of your absense and ask they keep an eye out on your house.

Unfortunately, the regular paper carrier's car gets repossesed, a kid out of High school takes over and papers start piling up.


Its also kind of unfortunate that the police were busy busting some kids down the road for smoking marijuana and the neighbors just didn't happen to notice the truck in your driveway.



The thieves break into your house, steal everything, and it leaves you nearly broke.



Law enforcement responds by visiting with the thieves and the resellers of the thief's stolen goods in a very friendly setting, perhaps lunch at the Four Seasons. Law enforcement then takes the information to government officials who respond by writing the thief and the resellers a check from what is left of your checking account. They decide this too over lunch, perhaps also at the Four Seasons and on your dime (i.e. taxes).




Then the same government officials declare that a new and better alarm system should be installed in your home and in the home of all Americans, at a high cost to you of course.

(The reality is that the alarm system worked perfectly, but that does not matter).


The thief and the resellers in turn thank these government officials by contributing to their electoral coffers, so they stay in office to help with future robberies. The alarm companies also thank these same government officials by also contributing to their electoral coffers.


In the meantime you have to go to work and put on a smiley face on all day while fighting with the insurance companies that are sure you just forgot to lock the door(neglect), are having marital problems or just need some quick drug fix money.
Your mountainous police reports that have to be notorized and faxed to the convenient number in India seem to have got lost. When you lose your temper and tell them all to get off their fat asses and pay for the goods you've lost or you will come over and rip their heads off and stuff it up their asses, you are courteously hung up upon and receive a visit again from the very courteous law enforcement who take you into custody on threat (terrorist) charges,and you lose your job.

While you begin rotting in a jail cell your wife meets an up and coming business executive that wrongly assumed the house was in forclosure from the lack of furniture and household ammenities. They make a deal and you receive divorce notices in jail but you don't care because the house was already unwater with a balloon payment due next fall and all you want is an some place to go and drink a cold beer.

Which you do when you get out and finally find a new and exciting job.

(Street vending is a job.)

Without the now ex-wife you are able to enjoy other exotic places around town full of laughter, mirth and make new friends.


While all the time scheming to get even with the assholes at the insurance company that screwed you over. So one day you get a great job delivering natural gas that pays $2.00 over minimum wage, but you are not thinking of the extra beer money, you are thinking of driving over to the nice beautiful insurance company.



With your truck.


Lie to your ex and her new boyfriend that an insurance settlement has been reached and to meet you at the insurance company.







Then go have a cold beer with some good friends.


Of course, all this is just fantasy.


**I got this idea from one of coyote's postings, where he got it from atlargely.com, which I embelished considerably.

Men vs. Women in the bathroom

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights and darks.



Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover

up any exposed areas.



Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.



Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah sponge, wide loofah sponge

and pumice stone.



Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.



Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.



Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.



Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.



Rinse conditioner off hair.



Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off.



Turn off shower.



Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.



Spray mold spots with Tilex.



Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.



Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.



If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a

pile.



Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at

her making the woo-woo sound.



Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener

and scratch your butt.



Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.



Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.



Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.



Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.



Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.



Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.



Pee.



Rinse off and get out of shower.



Partially dry off.



Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub

the whole time.



Admire wiener size in mirror again.



Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.



Return to bedroom with towel around waist.



If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo

sound again.



Throw wet towel on bed.



If there is anyone who did not laugh (OUT LOUD) at the truth behind this,

there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!