Can you spare a dime, er, I mean a ten-spot?

Top signs the Economy might be in trouble

1. You call up your new dating service for rates and they say they have a special this month with matches for your age with interested single,divorced and those just wanting to go out with someone that can afford a restaurant.

2.Your son asks why he hasn't gotten paid his allowance in 2 weeks because you were hoping he would forget.

3.'Sole Survivor' is auditioning families living in the suburbs trying to make it on what junior and Sis can bring in mowing lawns and being Dog/Baby sitters respectively.

4.The POS car you've been riding in and neglecting to put oil into because you were just going to throw an ad on Craig's List suddenly has become a shiny vintage model after you finally put it through a carwash,applied a coat of wax and changed the molasses thick guup normal people would call oil.
It's a wonder what repossession does to make us appreciate the little things.

5.In the good old days an "exciting" Friday night of frivolity used to start with a $90 tab at the 'River Cuisine Downtown', then a short midnight pleasure cruise with drinks and band on the bay.
Today its a 'Deluxe' pizza with all the toppings, a rented movie and a good book before bed since you have to work Saturday because there are 2X's the people who are 1/2 your age, with 1/2 the wrinkles and 1/2 the debt you have vying for your position at work, and your bosses know this.

6. It used to be the weekly glass or two of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam over at the 'Riviera Moonlight Lounge'.
Today its a six-pack of Bud* under the stars, or if its raining in front of the computer.
Gee,what a coincidence.

*That is if you have no taste.Personally if a cardboard box is in my future I want to go out with at least a good imported beer.

7.The newspaper delivery girl is threatening to take you to court and doesn't want to hear your sob story as she tears rubber on your driveway with her bicycle.

8.You start looking for coupons for Spam.

9.You discover that your morbid fear of driving to the nearest Wal-Mart, narrowly avoiding running over idiotic kids and their parents that dart in front; waiting in line for 1/2 hour for the extra 'lunch break' check-out help to arrive; being asked for the proof of purchase from the anti-smiley face gate keeper on your way out then finally waiting 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot without an incident was totally an unfounded phobia.

10.You consciously decide that smiling at the pathetic leering middle-age bald guys at mandatory company meetings isn't as bad as moving back with your parents.

11. You realize you have more respect for the kid emptying waste baskets at Burger King than you do for your financial analyst.

12. You ask your wife to pick up a nice cold six-pack on a hot summer day after you mow the lawn and she comes back with a discounted six-pack of 'fruit-punch' drink and says "we can't afford beer."*


*sometimes there are admisible excuses for divorce.


13. The designer blow-up dolls from Japan you had your eye on are now WAY over your price range. Sadly, a Playboy(tm) magazine subscription is too.

14.Your friends won't let you join them on the "business" weekend getaways coincidentally planned when your in-laws decide for a visit because you still owe them for the last 3 meets.

15.You decide spending money on silly things like Major Medical Insurance* and homeowners insurance is silly because 'nothing ever happens around here' that can't be taken care of.


*Despicable plug for my Medical Insurance agency revenue.

16. BAD:You start 'clicking' banners that say "YOU HAVE JUST WON A 2009 HONDA ACCORD!!"
REALLY BAD: You start believing you might win.

17.You are at the grocery store and decide a few dozen lottery tickets are the best choice between buying the kids lunch meat, good cereal and anti-oxidizing fruits.
Fuck them, they can have crackers.


OK, I cannot tell a lie.Unless you're an IRS agent then I might exaggerate a bit.
Got this idea from a person that is much more cleaner and nicer than I am.
Jim Sinclair from the Silver Bear.
Here they are in descending order:



12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.








Eager to show action on the ailing economy, President Barack Obama promised Monday to speed federal money into hundreds of public works projects this summer, vowing that 600,000 jobs would be created or saved.


Editor's note: Umm..."Created or saved" are remarkably different terms.

What does a Trillion Dollars Look Like?

Pretty cool item from Deliveries Galore



Have you ever wondered what one trillion dollars looks like? With all the talk about bailouts and stimulus packages - a million here, a billion there - it’s pretty easy to lose track of exactly how MUCH money they’re talking about.



$100
Let’s start with a simple $100 bill - nearly everyone has seen one, and most have used one at some point:



Ahh, hello Mr. Franklin…




$10,000
Now, lets take it a step further - a packet of $100 bills is less than 1/2 inch thick and is worth $10,000. This can easily fit in your pocket and can be used to buy a cheap car or a year of your kid’s tuition:




Vegas, here we come!




$1,000,000
This little pile of cash can easily fit into any backpack and weighs just about 22 lbs. Just in case you didn’t believe that those criminals in the movies couldn’t fit a million bucks in those briefcases, it’s very possible! You’re not likely to ever see this amount of cash in one place unless you work in a bank or are a high-level drug dealer:


What, you’re just gonna stand there? Get the money!




$100,000,000
Here we have $100 million - neatly fits on any standard pallet, weighing in at a little over one ton. You could stash this away in your bedroom and never work another day in your life. No one will ever see this kind of money in one place except Britney Spears and other celebrities:


That money isn’t going anywhere without a forklift…




$1,000,000,000
Now we’re talking big bucks… $1 billion - ten pallets worth of cold, hard cash. This is more than some countries’ GDP (Gross Domestic Product):


You wouldn’t even know what to do with this kind of money…




$1,000,000,000,000
Finally, here we are - one trillion dollars. That’s twelve zeros, go ahead and count ‘em! One MILLION million, or one thousand billion… This is just an obscene amount of money - the dollar value is more than all that are currently in circulation:


Can you still see the guy in the red shirt?


*Maybe i can get that loan for the new truck soon..

Knock 'em out Susan

Susan Boyle Sings on Britain's Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 @ Yahoo! Video

What a girl.

Happy April!

CENTRAL STATION ANTWERP, BELGUIM

Justice the American Way

OK, I've been gone for a while and everyone is bitching at me to do something.So boys and girls today we will talk about one of my favorite subjects:



Opps,sorry about that


We're almost there...



Bingo!




Allow me to explain the Wall Street scam, subsequent crisis, and bailout in a very brief, but effective way for you:

You and your wife have worked hard for years without taking a vacation so you carefully save your money, request leave from work and book a nice long retreat down in St. Thomas. You have called the paper to cancel delivery and notified the police and your neighbors of your absense and ask they keep an eye out on your house.

Unfortunately, the regular paper carrier's car gets repossesed, a kid out of High school takes over and papers start piling up.


Its also kind of unfortunate that the police were busy busting some kids down the road for smoking marijuana and the neighbors just didn't happen to notice the truck in your driveway.



The thieves break into your house, steal everything, and it leaves you nearly broke.



Law enforcement responds by visiting with the thieves and the resellers of the thief's stolen goods in a very friendly setting, perhaps lunch at the Four Seasons. Law enforcement then takes the information to government officials who respond by writing the thief and the resellers a check from what is left of your checking account. They decide this too over lunch, perhaps also at the Four Seasons and on your dime (i.e. taxes).




Then the same government officials declare that a new and better alarm system should be installed in your home and in the home of all Americans, at a high cost to you of course.

(The reality is that the alarm system worked perfectly, but that does not matter).


The thief and the resellers in turn thank these government officials by contributing to their electoral coffers, so they stay in office to help with future robberies. The alarm companies also thank these same government officials by also contributing to their electoral coffers.


In the meantime you have to go to work and put on a smiley face on all day while fighting with the insurance companies that are sure you just forgot to lock the door(neglect), are having marital problems or just need some quick drug fix money.
Your mountainous police reports that have to be notorized and faxed to the convenient number in India seem to have got lost. When you lose your temper and tell them all to get off their fat asses and pay for the goods you've lost or you will come over and rip their heads off and stuff it up their asses, you are courteously hung up upon and receive a visit again from the very courteous law enforcement who take you into custody on threat (terrorist) charges,and you lose your job.

While you begin rotting in a jail cell your wife meets an up and coming business executive that wrongly assumed the house was in forclosure from the lack of furniture and household ammenities. They make a deal and you receive divorce notices in jail but you don't care because the house was already unwater with a balloon payment due next fall and all you want is an some place to go and drink a cold beer.

Which you do when you get out and finally find a new and exciting job.

(Street vending is a job.)

Without the now ex-wife you are able to enjoy other exotic places around town full of laughter, mirth and make new friends.


While all the time scheming to get even with the assholes at the insurance company that screwed you over. So one day you get a great job delivering natural gas that pays $2.00 over minimum wage, but you are not thinking of the extra beer money, you are thinking of driving over to the nice beautiful insurance company.



With your truck.


Lie to your ex and her new boyfriend that an insurance settlement has been reached and to meet you at the insurance company.







Then go have a cold beer with some good friends.


Of course, all this is just fantasy.


**I got this idea from one of coyote's postings, where he got it from atlargely.com, which I embelished considerably.

Men vs. Women in the bathroom

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights and darks.



Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover

up any exposed areas.



Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.



Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah sponge, wide loofah sponge

and pumice stone.



Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.



Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.



Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.



Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.



Rinse conditioner off hair.



Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off.



Turn off shower.



Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.



Spray mold spots with Tilex.



Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.



Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.



If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a

pile.



Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at

her making the woo-woo sound.



Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener

and scratch your butt.



Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.



Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.



Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.



Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.



Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.



Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.



Pee.



Rinse off and get out of shower.



Partially dry off.



Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub

the whole time.



Admire wiener size in mirror again.



Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.



Return to bedroom with towel around waist.



If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo

sound again.



Throw wet towel on bed.



If there is anyone who did not laugh (OUT LOUD) at the truth behind this,

there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!

Trashed

***********


The world has changed a bit since Al Gore wrote "An Inconvenient Truth". Aside from scarring the masses into accepting a Federal "Green Tax", it sure hasn't hurt his portfolio...

(Al Gore's new Houseboat)

The fact that the gov will try to stick it to us to clean up what big industry did is almost par for the course. No, its not almost, it is par.
Speaking of big industry, and the gobs of stuff that are shoved in our face via TV, newspapers or the WWW, its amazing that our planet hasn't just thrown us off it.
Litter & trash everywhere:

What a sad day. The driver should be taken out and shot, just like they did in the old days in Germany.

In landfills that are filling up..


To the seas that are filling up..


At least going to space might be pure and untainted..

Well, maybe not. That's old space junk orbiting the earth?

Then there's different kinds of trash..

The place definitely needs some landscapping..

Trailer park trash..

Well, at least she has a trailer.

Tonight's Friday when I invite some friends over I have to see all kinds of trashing things..



and:

Who let those guys in here?

Then there's talkin trash..


Thanx dudes, maybe I'll win sometime..

At least it's the weekend and now for some special time with a few close friends..


Like a really special time with that blond in the front.Yum.
Y'all have a good weekend now ya hear?