Monday, June 8, 2009

Can you spare a dime, er, I mean a ten-spot?

Top signs the Economy might be in trouble

1. You call up your new dating service for rates and they say they have a special this month with matches for your age with interested single,divorced and those just wanting to go out with someone that can afford a restaurant.

2.Your son asks why he hasn't gotten paid his allowance in 2 weeks because you were hoping he would forget.

3.'Sole Survivor' is auditioning families living in the suburbs trying to make it on what junior and Sis can bring in mowing lawns and being Dog/Baby sitters respectively.

4.The POS car you've been riding in and neglecting to put oil into because you were just going to throw an ad on Craig's List suddenly has become a shiny vintage model after you finally put it through a carwash,applied a coat of wax and changed the molasses thick guup normal people would call oil.
It's a wonder what repossession does to make us appreciate the little things.

5.In the good old days an "exciting" Friday night of frivolity used to start with a $90 tab at the 'River Cuisine Downtown', then a short midnight pleasure cruise with drinks and band on the bay.
Today its a 'Deluxe' pizza with all the toppings, a rented movie and a good book before bed since you have to work Saturday because there are 2X's the people who are 1/2 your age, with 1/2 the wrinkles and 1/2 the debt you have vying for your position at work, and your bosses know this.

6. It used to be the weekly glass or two of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam over at the 'Riviera Moonlight Lounge'.
Today its a six-pack of Bud* under the stars, or if its raining in front of the computer.
Gee,what a coincidence.

*That is if you have no taste.Personally if a cardboard box is in my future I want to go out with at least a good imported beer.

7.The newspaper delivery girl is threatening to take you to court and doesn't want to hear your sob story as she tears rubber on your driveway with her bicycle.

8.You start looking for coupons for Spam.

9.You discover that your morbid fear of driving to the nearest Wal-Mart, narrowly avoiding running over idiotic kids and their parents that dart in front; waiting in line for 1/2 hour for the extra 'lunch break' check-out help to arrive; being asked for the proof of purchase from the anti-smiley face gate keeper on your way out then finally waiting 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot without an incident was totally an unfounded phobia.

10.You consciously decide that smiling at the pathetic leering middle-age bald guys at mandatory company meetings isn't as bad as moving back with your parents.

11. You realize you have more respect for the kid emptying waste baskets at Burger King than you do for your financial analyst.

12. You ask your wife to pick up a nice cold six-pack on a hot summer day after you mow the lawn and she comes back with a discounted six-pack of 'fruit-punch' drink and says "we can't afford beer."*

*sometimes there are admisible excuses for divorce.

13. The designer blow-up dolls from Japan you had your eye on are now WAY over your price range. Sadly, a Playboy(tm) magazine subscription is too.

14.Your friends won't let you join them on the "business" weekend getaways coincidentally planned when your in-laws decide for a visit because you still owe them for the last 3 meets.

15.You decide spending money on silly things like Major Medical Insurance* and homeowners insurance is silly because 'nothing ever happens around here' that can't be taken care of.

*Despicable plug for my Medical Insurance agency revenue.

16. BAD:You start 'clicking' banners that say "YOU HAVE JUST WON A 2009 HONDA ACCORD!!"
REALLY BAD: You start believing you might win.

17.You are at the grocery store and decide a few dozen lottery tickets are the best choice between buying the kids lunch meat, good cereal and anti-oxidizing fruits.
Fuck them, they can have crackers.

OK, I cannot tell a lie.Unless you're an IRS agent then I might exaggerate a bit.
Got this idea from a person that is much more cleaner and nicer than I am.
Jim Sinclair from the Silver Bear.
Here they are in descending order:

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Eager to show action on the ailing economy, President Barack Obama promised Monday to speed federal money into hundreds of public works projects this summer, vowing that 600,000 jobs would be created or saved.

Editor's note: Umm..."Created or saved" are remarkably different terms.