Can you spare a dime, er, I mean a ten-spot?

Top signs the Economy might be in trouble

1. You call up your new dating service for rates and they say they have a special this month with matches for your age with interested single,divorced and those just wanting to go out with someone that can afford a restaurant.

2.Your son asks why he hasn't gotten paid his allowance in 2 weeks because you were hoping he would forget.

3.'Sole Survivor' is auditioning families living in the suburbs trying to make it on what junior and Sis can bring in mowing lawns and being Dog/Baby sitters respectively.

4.The POS car you've been riding in and neglecting to put oil into because you were just going to throw an ad on Craig's List suddenly has become a shiny vintage model after you finally put it through a carwash,applied a coat of wax and changed the molasses thick guup normal people would call oil.
It's a wonder what repossession does to make us appreciate the little things.

5.In the good old days an "exciting" Friday night of frivolity used to start with a $90 tab at the 'River Cuisine Downtown', then a short midnight pleasure cruise with drinks and band on the bay.
Today its a 'Deluxe' pizza with all the toppings, a rented movie and a good book before bed since you have to work Saturday because there are 2X's the people who are 1/2 your age, with 1/2 the wrinkles and 1/2 the debt you have vying for your position at work, and your bosses know this.

6. It used to be the weekly glass or two of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam over at the 'Riviera Moonlight Lounge'.
Today its a six-pack of Bud* under the stars, or if its raining in front of the computer.
Gee,what a coincidence.

*That is if you have no taste.Personally if a cardboard box is in my future I want to go out with at least a good imported beer.

7.The newspaper delivery girl is threatening to take you to court and doesn't want to hear your sob story as she tears rubber on your driveway with her bicycle.

8.You start looking for coupons for Spam.

9.You discover that your morbid fear of driving to the nearest Wal-Mart, narrowly avoiding running over idiotic kids and their parents that dart in front; waiting in line for 1/2 hour for the extra 'lunch break' check-out help to arrive; being asked for the proof of purchase from the anti-smiley face gate keeper on your way out then finally waiting 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot without an incident was totally an unfounded phobia.

10.You consciously decide that smiling at the pathetic leering middle-age bald guys at mandatory company meetings isn't as bad as moving back with your parents.

11. You realize you have more respect for the kid emptying waste baskets at Burger King than you do for your financial analyst.

12. You ask your wife to pick up a nice cold six-pack on a hot summer day after you mow the lawn and she comes back with a discounted six-pack of 'fruit-punch' drink and says "we can't afford beer."*


*sometimes there are admisible excuses for divorce.


13. The designer blow-up dolls from Japan you had your eye on are now WAY over your price range. Sadly, a Playboy(tm) magazine subscription is too.

14.Your friends won't let you join them on the "business" weekend getaways coincidentally planned when your in-laws decide for a visit because you still owe them for the last 3 meets.

15.You decide spending money on silly things like Major Medical Insurance* and homeowners insurance is silly because 'nothing ever happens around here' that can't be taken care of.


*Despicable plug for my Medical Insurance agency revenue.

16. BAD:You start 'clicking' banners that say "YOU HAVE JUST WON A 2009 HONDA ACCORD!!"
REALLY BAD: You start believing you might win.

17.You are at the grocery store and decide a few dozen lottery tickets are the best choice between buying the kids lunch meat, good cereal and anti-oxidizing fruits.
Fuck them, they can have crackers.


OK, I cannot tell a lie.Unless you're an IRS agent then I might exaggerate a bit.
Got this idea from a person that is much more cleaner and nicer than I am.
Jim Sinclair from the Silver Bear.
Here they are in descending order:



12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.








Eager to show action on the ailing economy, President Barack Obama promised Monday to speed federal money into hundreds of public works projects this summer, vowing that 600,000 jobs would be created or saved.


Editor's note: Umm..."Created or saved" are remarkably different terms.

Justice the American Way

OK, I've been gone for a while and everyone is bitching at me to do something.So boys and girls today we will talk about one of my favorite subjects:



Opps,sorry about that


We're almost there...



Bingo!




Allow me to explain the Wall Street scam, subsequent crisis, and bailout in a very brief, but effective way for you:

You and your wife have worked hard for years without taking a vacation so you carefully save your money, request leave from work and book a nice long retreat down in St. Thomas. You have called the paper to cancel delivery and notified the police and your neighbors of your absense and ask they keep an eye out on your house.

Unfortunately, the regular paper carrier's car gets repossesed, a kid out of High school takes over and papers start piling up.


Its also kind of unfortunate that the police were busy busting some kids down the road for smoking marijuana and the neighbors just didn't happen to notice the truck in your driveway.



The thieves break into your house, steal everything, and it leaves you nearly broke.



Law enforcement responds by visiting with the thieves and the resellers of the thief's stolen goods in a very friendly setting, perhaps lunch at the Four Seasons. Law enforcement then takes the information to government officials who respond by writing the thief and the resellers a check from what is left of your checking account. They decide this too over lunch, perhaps also at the Four Seasons and on your dime (i.e. taxes).




Then the same government officials declare that a new and better alarm system should be installed in your home and in the home of all Americans, at a high cost to you of course.

(The reality is that the alarm system worked perfectly, but that does not matter).


The thief and the resellers in turn thank these government officials by contributing to their electoral coffers, so they stay in office to help with future robberies. The alarm companies also thank these same government officials by also contributing to their electoral coffers.


In the meantime you have to go to work and put on a smiley face on all day while fighting with the insurance companies that are sure you just forgot to lock the door(neglect), are having marital problems or just need some quick drug fix money.
Your mountainous police reports that have to be notorized and faxed to the convenient number in India seem to have got lost. When you lose your temper and tell them all to get off their fat asses and pay for the goods you've lost or you will come over and rip their heads off and stuff it up their asses, you are courteously hung up upon and receive a visit again from the very courteous law enforcement who take you into custody on threat (terrorist) charges,and you lose your job.

While you begin rotting in a jail cell your wife meets an up and coming business executive that wrongly assumed the house was in forclosure from the lack of furniture and household ammenities. They make a deal and you receive divorce notices in jail but you don't care because the house was already unwater with a balloon payment due next fall and all you want is an some place to go and drink a cold beer.

Which you do when you get out and finally find a new and exciting job.

(Street vending is a job.)

Without the now ex-wife you are able to enjoy other exotic places around town full of laughter, mirth and make new friends.


While all the time scheming to get even with the assholes at the insurance company that screwed you over. So one day you get a great job delivering natural gas that pays $2.00 over minimum wage, but you are not thinking of the extra beer money, you are thinking of driving over to the nice beautiful insurance company.



With your truck.


Lie to your ex and her new boyfriend that an insurance settlement has been reached and to meet you at the insurance company.







Then go have a cold beer with some good friends.


Of course, all this is just fantasy.


**I got this idea from one of coyote's postings, where he got it from atlargely.com, which I embelished considerably.

Australia Has Moved!

{AP reporter: SKYE, Manitoba Canada}


Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.


"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.


When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."


Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it. Chavez was not amused!

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

****

KJ note: Thank you Skye for the permission to post, an excellent creation!
Her site is at

Shades of Grey

Signs of our times

{This idea had been given to me by my fellow blogger buddy over @Moooog(above).Hee hee.
Mooong has a bunch of very creative** posters you might wish to order.}



**(warped)





Along with these that I created for your enjoyment:


Second, in the light that we have only 65 shopping days before April 15th (due day):





What about something as American as Apple Pie?




Ok, too political for you? How about something practical?




Just settle down for a nice spot of lemonade...



And finally we have something everyone of us SNL fans can appreciate:



Well, that's about it for today!

President Elect Obama Appointments

Health & Human Services




In a stunning development the President-Elect said Friday that he will appoint Brittany Spears to head the office of Health & Human Services. The reason was that she identifies with all washed-out and slightly overweight soccer-moms that think they can squeeze into a size 8 bikini (and look good) but have trouble passing the baton to their teenagers who are as hot, or hotter than they ever could be.
Ms. Spear's excited response with such an honor is quoted as saying " Me?? OMG! I don't have a THING to wear! But I'll get some stuff together, I think..."

Ms. Spears is still expected to accept the nomination.

****

Oversight & Fitness (EOOF)




Michael Jordan(pictured above), is yelling at Congressman Randy Forbes(R-Va) and/or other lethargic fat- assed elected officials to
'Get the lead out!', in a mandatory practice run after his appointment from President-elect Obama to the newly created office of "Elected Official Oversight & Fitness (EOOF), Friday evening.
Mr. Jordan, whom is best known for his triumphant multi-year NBA Wins for the Chicago Bulls in the early 90's was selected to be in charge of ethics and physical fitness for members of Congress after years of failing to care to vote, not voting at all or not even being present to vote and in the mean-time growing lazier and fatter thereby increasing the risk of heart disease, stroke and being hung from light poles by their constituents.
Mr. Jordan said: " I am elated Mr. Obama choose me to head such an important agency. But having kicked his Milano ass several times in one-on-one hoops back in Chi-Town, he actually owed me one. Thank you, President-Elect, I will do my best. Mike."
*****

Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia



New Appointments for United States Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia:
Mr. Carlos Mencia.
Mr. Mencia was evidently excited, though pulling up roots in their beautiful paid-for, no mortgage 7000 sq. ft home in L.A. would be tuff.
" I am honored President Elect picked me to head the relations to one of the largest and formally most feared countries in the world".
Mrs. Mencia was alleged to be looking at properties for sale around the D.C. area, but found it hard to find one that has palm trees and maintains a yearly 70 degree inside and outside temperature.
Mrs. Mencia was encouraged though by the thoughtful and relatively quick drive in and around the U.S. Capitol Beltway. Observing people only driving 95 in a 65 mph, she was pleasantly charmed by the hospitality of Easterner's driving etiquette.
"Why, it only took us 90 minutes to travel the 35 miles we had to go to get to the malls from the Overlook. In L.A., it would have been twice that long on the 405-at midnight! And people are so courteous when you have to cut them off to turn, they only honk a few minutes and maybe give you a finger and call you a racial name. In L.A. they might do that AFTER they blew your tires out with the sawed-off shot gun hiding under their seats. It's lovely here! I can't wait for the Cherry blossoms!"
Mr. Mencia, who is know nation-wide as an authority on civil rights and laid-back style humor that got his name into many conversation circles, has a daunting task ahead of him. U.S. alliance with the situation in Georgia and the current N.A.T.O. expansion are just some of the tender diplomatic points that he will face.

"Russia is a wonderful country and I am honored to represent L.A. (and the rest of America)", when asked what he would say as the U.S. ambassador to Russia, Mr. Mencia went on to say: "When I get a face-to-face with Russian President Putin he will have to cut the deck and Anne up.I'm sure he's gonna say his country's got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles that are targeted for the United States so we better do good. Well, Mr. Putin needs to know we got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles ALONE aimed at his white Socialist ass in Moscow each and every day, bitch!"

Mr. Mencia added: " I grew up as a "wetback" in L.A., during the South Central Riots, and let me tell you something: Gandhi's ways might have worked in India, but they sure as hell's not gonna work around here! Don't piss on the boot that has your neck against the sidewalk kinda thing, yaknow?"

President Elect Obama, hearing of the enthusiasm of Mr. & Mrs. Mencia's appointment said:" I am charmed by their patriotism and support for Mr. Mencia's apparent knowledge in diplomacy.I just wish I had more like Mr. Mencia to get the job done."
*****

Department of Education



Sandra age 42 English teacher

****



Joe "the plumber" Daddy Lydell
http://coedmagazine.com/news-ish/6069/

****

In a surprising move, President Elect Obama has selected Mr.J.D. Lydell to head the department of Education and take the many Dept. Head circulars of the failed 'No Child Left Behind' and have a bonfire out back of the Whitehouse @ 7p.m. Jan 29, 2009 and Everyone must BYO hotdogs.

Mr. Lydell was quoted as saying:

"My man, Bar! Way to go dog! President Obama is on da bus, in choosing meh to be head of educatin' our kids. The first thing I did was to get these two cougars outta the big house for spending a little quality time with the kids. Though they had a bit of trouble with the law, what person hasn't? They are still teachers that we need to teach our children. Come now, get real. If YOU were a dude and still in high school would you even THINK of skipping a class if these hos wanted to teach you a little 'extra-curricular activity'? Hell no! Look at that English teach, will ya? Can you believe the bitch is 42? I don't care if she's 75! If I had a charm like that I would be reading Shakespeare to my Harvard friends on my yacht- today! And DAMN, who the HELL ever had a SUB like that???(below) Jesus- save me!!! I wouldn't THINK of skipping a class, or getting a grade below an B+ if she was at the helm,.. I mean the teacher!

Word peeps! This is the end to any skipping in any school across the country for any dude that is not queer or that hasn't entered puberty. We can look into some of the male offenders too. The girls and others that will be in school- just to be around the other guys and girls will increase district funding and get better grades for our kids! Isn't this better than the stupid 'No Kid gets it in the behind thing'? They all did anyway!
I propose to get ANY female or male that has ever been arrested for a silly sex-with-minor charge, get them licensed in education and put them into a classroom where they can do the most people, er, I mean good.
This is the time for change and Mr.President Elect meant what he said! Peace out dogs!"




Cameo-sub age 29

*******

Undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce





Rivers Cuomo , (former Weazer lead singer),was selected to become the undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce, replacing has-been former Secretary "We might be near a recession" Gutierrez. The reason given by President-elect spokesman Jerome Nape was due to his confidence in the great successes of Weazer and of Mr. Cuomo.
Mr. Nape:
"The nation's voting youth's obvious faith in their musical idols combined with the fact that one of their number one songs was "Beverly Hills" plays into the strategic economic policy of the new administration to bring Change to America".
Mr. Cuomo, ending a nation-wide tour with tired druged-out and groupie sex band players was still excited with the nomination.
Mr. Cuomo is quoted as saying: "Let's face it, my appointment, however humble it shall be, is going to draw thousands of cool people back to California. It's where it's at, where it's been at and you're a looser if you live anywhere else. With the possible exception of Bakersfield, in your heart you know that's true.
California is the top of the hill and Beverley Hills is the Golden Egg on the hill, and with my appointment and music in the background, millions of kids will descend on California, buying foreclosed homes, filling needed jobs and paying more in taxes. Besides, we need to get more blonds in town. Most of the old ones are getting a beer gut."

Mr. Nape, conveying the President-elect's appreciation for Mr. Cuomo's agreement to accept said:

"At the very least it will increase GDP productivity by a project 15.988% by wage earners just attempting to save the money to move to California.
This is the economic breakthrough that America needs!"

*************

In other news, Music Hit Stars Cold Play agreed to be in Washington D.C. at the inauguration playing "Viva La Vida" in commemoration of the exiting administration.