OK, I've been gone for a while and everyone is bitching at me to do something.So boys and girls today we will talk about one of my favorite subjects:
Opps,sorry about that
We're almost there...
Allow me to explain the Wall Street scam, subsequent crisis, and bailout in a very brief, but effective way for you:
You and your wife have worked hard for years without taking a vacation so you carefully save your money, request leave from work and book a nice long retreat down in St. Thomas. You have called the paper to cancel delivery and notified the police and your neighbors of your absense and ask they keep an eye out on your house.
Unfortunately, the regular paper carrier's car gets repossesed, a kid out of High school takes over and papers start piling up.
Its also kind of unfortunate that the police were busy busting some kids down the road for smoking marijuana and the neighbors just didn't happen to notice the truck in your driveway.
The thieves break into your house, steal everything, and it leaves you nearly broke.
Law enforcement responds by visiting with the thieves and the resellers of the thief's stolen goods in a very friendly setting, perhaps lunch at the Four Seasons. Law enforcement then takes the information to government officials who respond by writing the thief and the resellers a check from what is left of your checking account. They decide this too over lunch, perhaps also at the Four Seasons and on your dime (i.e. taxes).
Then the same government officials declare that a new and better alarm system should be installed in your home and in the home of all Americans, at a high cost to you of course.
(The reality is that the alarm system worked perfectly, but that does not matter).
The thief and the resellers in turn thank these government officials by contributing to their electoral coffers, so they stay in office to help with future robberies. The alarm companies also thank these same government officials by also contributing to their electoral coffers.
In the meantime you have to go to work and put on a smiley face on all day while fighting with the insurance companies that are sure you just forgot to lock the door(neglect), are having marital problems or just need some quick drug fix money.
Your mountainous police reports that have to be notorized and faxed to the convenient number in India seem to have got lost. When you lose your temper and tell them all to get off their fat asses and pay for the goods you've lost or you will come over and rip their heads off and stuff it up their asses, you are courteously hung up upon and receive a visit again from the very courteous law enforcement who take you into custody on threat (terrorist) charges,and you lose your job.
While you begin rotting in a jail cell your wife meets an up and coming business executive that wrongly assumed the house was in forclosure from the lack of furniture and household ammenities. They make a deal and you receive divorce notices in jail but you don't care because the house was already unwater with a balloon payment due next fall and all you want is an some place to go and drink a cold beer.
Which you do when you get out and finally find a new and exciting job.
(Street vending is a job.)
Without the now ex-wife you are able to enjoy other exotic places around town full of laughter, mirth and make new friends.
While all the time scheming to get even with the assholes at the insurance company that screwed you over. So one day you get a great job delivering natural gas that pays $2.00 over minimum wage, but you are not thinking of the extra beer money, you are thinking of driving over to the nice beautiful insurance company.
With your truck.
Lie to your ex and her new boyfriend that an insurance settlement has been reached and to meet you at the insurance company.
Then go have a cold beer with some good friends.
Of course, all this is just fantasy.
**I got this idea from one of coyote's postings, where he got it from atlargely.com, which I embelished considerably.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover
up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah sponge, wide loofah sponge
and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at
her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener
and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone who did not laugh (OUT LOUD) at the truth behind this,
there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!