Saturday, October 17, 2009

Classes For Women Meet Shortly

Subject: Classes For Women

Fall Classes for Women at

By Thursday September 30, 2009


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

credit: jm

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Word is Powerful





"You know how it is. You’re enjoying yourself, kicking back and relaxing at the pub or maybe at the library; or maybe you’re in class or just casually surfing the internet, indulging in a little conversation. The topic of the conversation is about a pertinent contemporary issue, probably something to do with a group of people who fall outside your realm of experience and identity. They’re also probably fairly heavily discriminated against - or so they claim.
The thing is, you’re having a good time, sharing your knowledge about these people and their issues. This knowledge is incontrovertible - it’s been backed up in media representation, books, research and lots and lots of historical events, also your own unassailable sense of being right.
Yet all of a sudden something happens to put a dampener on your sharing of your enviable intellect and incomparable capacity to fully perceive and understand All Things. It’s someone who belongs to the group of people you’re discussing and they’re Not Very Happy with you. Apparently, they claim, you’ve got it all wrong and they’re offended about that. They might be a person of color, or a queer person. Maybe they’re a woman, or a person with disability. They could even be a trans person or a sex worker. The point is they’re trying to tell you they know better than you about their issues and you know that’s just plain wrong. How could you be wrong?

Don’t worry though! There IS something you can do to nip this potentially awkward and embarrassing situation in the bud. By simply derailing the conversation, dismissing their opinion as false and ridiculing their experience you can be sure that they continue to be marginalised and unheard and you can continue to look like the expert you know you really are, deep down inside!


Just follow this step-by-step guide to Conversing with Marginalized People™ and in no time at all you will have a fool-proof method of derailing every challenging conversation you may get into, thus reaping the full benefits of every privilege that you have.

The best part is, you don't even have to be a white, heterosexual, cisgendered, cissexual, upper-class male to enjoy the full benefits of derailing conversation! Nope, you can utilize the lesser-recognized tactic of Horizontal Hostility to make sure that, despite being a member of a Marginalized Group™ yourself, you can exercise a privilege another Marginalized Group™ doesn't have in order not to heed their experience!

Read on, and learn, and remember… you don’t have to use these in any particular order! In fact, mixing them up can really keep those Marginalized People™ on their toes! After all, they are pretty much used to hearing this stuff, so you don’t want to get too predictable or they’ll get lazy!"

So are you curious howest you may gain control of people without resorting to Voodoo?
Do you want women and/or men to be flocking at your feet vying to gain your attention and honor because you are obviously very well learned?

Then take the time to read this easy step-by-step manual on how YOU TOO can become a smug arrogant asswipe and still have position and power!**

**(..and you will quite probably get laid more than your adversaries!)


Thursday, July 30, 2009

Even Ben Can be funny!

"It must only be a coincidence.Why get all bothered?"

You know, maybe it really is important to watch what is going on @ the Central Banking Authority(The Federal Reserve).

Nah, it's Miller time.

Maybe tomorrow.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

True* Public Debate

Like, we can make things like cars and like we will get help from above andlike we believe in the union and thats what we are.

Now I know why there's a DePop program....

*Actually true. God help us.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Can you spare a dime, er, I mean a ten-spot?

Top signs the Economy might be in trouble

1. You call up your new dating service for rates and they say they have a special this month with matches for your age with interested single,divorced and those just wanting to go out with someone that can afford a restaurant.

2.Your son asks why he hasn't gotten paid his allowance in 2 weeks because you were hoping he would forget.

3.'Sole Survivor' is auditioning families living in the suburbs trying to make it on what junior and Sis can bring in mowing lawns and being Dog/Baby sitters respectively.

4.The POS car you've been riding in and neglecting to put oil into because you were just going to throw an ad on Craig's List suddenly has become a shiny vintage model after you finally put it through a carwash,applied a coat of wax and changed the molasses thick guup normal people would call oil.
It's a wonder what repossession does to make us appreciate the little things.

5.In the good old days an "exciting" Friday night of frivolity used to start with a $90 tab at the 'River Cuisine Downtown', then a short midnight pleasure cruise with drinks and band on the bay.
Today its a 'Deluxe' pizza with all the toppings, a rented movie and a good book before bed since you have to work Saturday because there are 2X's the people who are 1/2 your age, with 1/2 the wrinkles and 1/2 the debt you have vying for your position at work, and your bosses know this.

6. It used to be the weekly glass or two of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam over at the 'Riviera Moonlight Lounge'.
Today its a six-pack of Bud* under the stars, or if its raining in front of the computer.
Gee,what a coincidence.

*That is if you have no taste.Personally if a cardboard box is in my future I want to go out with at least a good imported beer.

7.The newspaper delivery girl is threatening to take you to court and doesn't want to hear your sob story as she tears rubber on your driveway with her bicycle.

8.You start looking for coupons for Spam.

9.You discover that your morbid fear of driving to the nearest Wal-Mart, narrowly avoiding running over idiotic kids and their parents that dart in front; waiting in line for 1/2 hour for the extra 'lunch break' check-out help to arrive; being asked for the proof of purchase from the anti-smiley face gate keeper on your way out then finally waiting 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot without an incident was totally an unfounded phobia.

10.You consciously decide that smiling at the pathetic leering middle-age bald guys at mandatory company meetings isn't as bad as moving back with your parents.

11. You realize you have more respect for the kid emptying waste baskets at Burger King than you do for your financial analyst.

12. You ask your wife to pick up a nice cold six-pack on a hot summer day after you mow the lawn and she comes back with a discounted six-pack of 'fruit-punch' drink and says "we can't afford beer."*

*sometimes there are admisible excuses for divorce.

13. The designer blow-up dolls from Japan you had your eye on are now WAY over your price range. Sadly, a Playboy(tm) magazine subscription is too.

14.Your friends won't let you join them on the "business" weekend getaways coincidentally planned when your in-laws decide for a visit because you still owe them for the last 3 meets.

15.You decide spending money on silly things like Major Medical Insurance* and homeowners insurance is silly because 'nothing ever happens around here' that can't be taken care of.

*Despicable plug for my Medical Insurance agency revenue.

16. BAD:You start 'clicking' banners that say "YOU HAVE JUST WON A 2009 HONDA ACCORD!!"
REALLY BAD: You start believing you might win.

17.You are at the grocery store and decide a few dozen lottery tickets are the best choice between buying the kids lunch meat, good cereal and anti-oxidizing fruits.
Fuck them, they can have crackers.

OK, I cannot tell a lie.Unless you're an IRS agent then I might exaggerate a bit.
Got this idea from a person that is much more cleaner and nicer than I am.
Jim Sinclair from the Silver Bear.
Here they are in descending order:

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Eager to show action on the ailing economy, President Barack Obama promised Monday to speed federal money into hundreds of public works projects this summer, vowing that 600,000 jobs would be created or saved.

Editor's note: Umm..."Created or saved" are remarkably different terms.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

What does a Trillion Dollars Look Like?

Pretty cool item from Deliveries Galore

Have you ever wondered what one trillion dollars looks like? With all the talk about bailouts and stimulus packages - a million here, a billion there - it’s pretty easy to lose track of exactly how MUCH money they’re talking about.

Let’s start with a simple $100 bill - nearly everyone has seen one, and most have used one at some point:

Ahh, hello Mr. Franklin…

Now, lets take it a step further - a packet of $100 bills is less than 1/2 inch thick and is worth $10,000. This can easily fit in your pocket and can be used to buy a cheap car or a year of your kid’s tuition:

Vegas, here we come!

This little pile of cash can easily fit into any backpack and weighs just about 22 lbs. Just in case you didn’t believe that those criminals in the movies couldn’t fit a million bucks in those briefcases, it’s very possible! You’re not likely to ever see this amount of cash in one place unless you work in a bank or are a high-level drug dealer:

What, you’re just gonna stand there? Get the money!

Here we have $100 million - neatly fits on any standard pallet, weighing in at a little over one ton. You could stash this away in your bedroom and never work another day in your life. No one will ever see this kind of money in one place except Britney Spears and other celebrities:

That money isn’t going anywhere without a forklift…

Now we’re talking big bucks… $1 billion - ten pallets worth of cold, hard cash. This is more than some countries’ GDP (Gross Domestic Product):

You wouldn’t even know what to do with this kind of money…

Finally, here we are - one trillion dollars. That’s twelve zeros, go ahead and count ‘em! One MILLION million, or one thousand billion… This is just an obscene amount of money - the dollar value is more than all that are currently in circulation:

Can you still see the guy in the red shirt?

*Maybe i can get that loan for the new truck soon..

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Happy April!


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Justice the American Way

OK, I've been gone for a while and everyone is bitching at me to do something.So boys and girls today we will talk about one of my favorite subjects:

Opps,sorry about that

We're almost there...


Allow me to explain the Wall Street scam, subsequent crisis, and bailout in a very brief, but effective way for you:

You and your wife have worked hard for years without taking a vacation so you carefully save your money, request leave from work and book a nice long retreat down in St. Thomas. You have called the paper to cancel delivery and notified the police and your neighbors of your absense and ask they keep an eye out on your house.

Unfortunately, the regular paper carrier's car gets repossesed, a kid out of High school takes over and papers start piling up.

Its also kind of unfortunate that the police were busy busting some kids down the road for smoking marijuana and the neighbors just didn't happen to notice the truck in your driveway.

The thieves break into your house, steal everything, and it leaves you nearly broke.

Law enforcement responds by visiting with the thieves and the resellers of the thief's stolen goods in a very friendly setting, perhaps lunch at the Four Seasons. Law enforcement then takes the information to government officials who respond by writing the thief and the resellers a check from what is left of your checking account. They decide this too over lunch, perhaps also at the Four Seasons and on your dime (i.e. taxes).

Then the same government officials declare that a new and better alarm system should be installed in your home and in the home of all Americans, at a high cost to you of course.

(The reality is that the alarm system worked perfectly, but that does not matter).

The thief and the resellers in turn thank these government officials by contributing to their electoral coffers, so they stay in office to help with future robberies. The alarm companies also thank these same government officials by also contributing to their electoral coffers.

In the meantime you have to go to work and put on a smiley face on all day while fighting with the insurance companies that are sure you just forgot to lock the door(neglect), are having marital problems or just need some quick drug fix money.
Your mountainous police reports that have to be notorized and faxed to the convenient number in India seem to have got lost. When you lose your temper and tell them all to get off their fat asses and pay for the goods you've lost or you will come over and rip their heads off and stuff it up their asses, you are courteously hung up upon and receive a visit again from the very courteous law enforcement who take you into custody on threat (terrorist) charges,and you lose your job.

While you begin rotting in a jail cell your wife meets an up and coming business executive that wrongly assumed the house was in forclosure from the lack of furniture and household ammenities. They make a deal and you receive divorce notices in jail but you don't care because the house was already unwater with a balloon payment due next fall and all you want is an some place to go and drink a cold beer.

Which you do when you get out and finally find a new and exciting job.

(Street vending is a job.)

Without the now ex-wife you are able to enjoy other exotic places around town full of laughter, mirth and make new friends.

While all the time scheming to get even with the assholes at the insurance company that screwed you over. So one day you get a great job delivering natural gas that pays $2.00 over minimum wage, but you are not thinking of the extra beer money, you are thinking of driving over to the nice beautiful insurance company.

With your truck.

Lie to your ex and her new boyfriend that an insurance settlement has been reached and to meet you at the insurance company.

Then go have a cold beer with some good friends.

Of course, all this is just fantasy.

**I got this idea from one of coyote's postings, where he got it from, which I embelished considerably.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Men vs. Women in the bathroom


Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover

up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah sponge, wide loofah sponge

and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a


Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at

her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener

and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub

the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo

sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh (OUT LOUD) at the truth behind this,

there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!

Friday, February 20, 2009



The world has changed a bit since Al Gore wrote "An Inconvenient Truth". Aside from scarring the masses into accepting a Federal "Green Tax", it sure hasn't hurt his portfolio...

(Al Gore's new Houseboat)

The fact that the gov will try to stick it to us to clean up what big industry did is almost par for the course. No, its not almost, it is par.
Speaking of big industry, and the gobs of stuff that are shoved in our face via TV, newspapers or the WWW, its amazing that our planet hasn't just thrown us off it.
Litter & trash everywhere:

What a sad day. The driver should be taken out and shot, just like they did in the old days in Germany.

In landfills that are filling up..

To the seas that are filling up..

At least going to space might be pure and untainted..

Well, maybe not. That's old space junk orbiting the earth?

Then there's different kinds of trash..

The place definitely needs some landscapping..

Trailer park trash..

Well, at least she has a trailer.

Tonight's Friday when I invite some friends over I have to see all kinds of trashing things..


Who let those guys in here?

Then there's talkin trash..

Thanx dudes, maybe I'll win sometime..

At least it's the weekend and now for some special time with a few close friends..

Like a really special time with that blond in the front.Yum.
Y'all have a good weekend now ya hear?

Sunday, February 15, 2009


God, a cold beer sounds good about now..


Friday, February 13, 2009

Yea, 36 hours

Do they sell that over the counter?

Friday, February 6, 2009

Australia Has Moved!

{AP reporter: SKYE, Manitoba Canada}

Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it. Chavez was not amused!

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."


KJ note: Thank you Skye for the permission to post, an excellent creation!
Her site is at
Shades of Grey

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Signs of our times

{This idea had been given to me by my fellow blogger buddy over @Moooog(above).Hee hee.
Mooong has a bunch of very creative** posters you might wish to order.}


Along with these that I created for your enjoyment:

Second, in the light that we have only 65 shopping days before April 15th (due day):

What about something as American as Apple Pie?

Ok, too political for you? How about something practical?

Just settle down for a nice spot of lemonade...

And finally we have something everyone of us SNL fans can appreciate:

Well, that's about it for today!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

True Love

My wife sat on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of VB for $29.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

~Next Christmas idea options

I asked my wife
, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

Hat tip to CoyotePrime and thegreenman


Believe it or not, just a little while ago, I went to church twice a week, a cold beer would never touch my lips and I wouldn't dream of looking at the girls on the beach more than once. OK, maybe twice.
That all changed when I saved up my money and bought a computer.The first thing I did, besides find out what the weather was going to be, was find a joke. Lo and behold I ended up at this guy Spaz's place and my life has gone to hell in a handbasket been full of spice and charm ever since!
Well, truth be told Spaz is having a contest and I'm not above whoring myself out.
But seriously you gotta love the dude.
He's usually funny as hell and the only one that can tell guy jokes and actually have cool girls come over and laugh! You know, just like the old days with friends? Now you got to be politically correct and all that shit. If you want to go have yourself a good time, go out and visit the Knight of Decadence as he takes delicious dives into debauchery!

To all the other contestant losers, I know I did two. Bite me.
(I also used to be nice).

Friday, January 23, 2009

The $35,000 toilet?

Sometimes you just can't make this stuff up:
In early 2008, much as Merril Lynch CEO John Thain was preparing to slash expenses, cut thousands of jobs and exit businesses to fix the ailing securities firm, he was also spending company money on himself, senior people at the firm say.

According to documents reviewed by The Daily Beast, Thain spent $1.22 million of company money to refurbish his office at Merrill Lynch headquarters in lower Manhattan. The biggest piece of the spending spree: $800,000 to hire famed celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

1) $2,700 for six wall sconces.
2) $5,000 for a mirror in his private dining room.
3) $11,000 for fabric for a "Roman Shade.”
4) $13,000 for a chandelier in the private dining room.
5) $15,000 for a sofa.
6) $16,000 for a "custom coffee table.”
7) $18,000 for a “George IV Desk.”
8) $25,000 for a "mahogany pedestal table.”
9) $28,000 for four pairs of curtains.

10) $35,000 for something called a "commode on legs.”

11) $37,000 for six chairs in his private dining room.
12) $68,000 for a "19th Century Credenza" in his office.
13) $87,000 for a pair of guest chairs.
14) $87,000 for an area rug in Thain's conference room and another area rug for $44,000.
15) $230,000 to his driver for one year’s work.
16) $800,000 to hire celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

So, if you gotta go on the most expensive usable toilet, try the hands-free Neorest toilet. Made in Japan by Toto.Cyclone flush & other features.
Cost around $6,000.00

Control unit

Thain was tapped to run Merrill Lynch as the firm suffered massive losses from investments tied to the depressed real estate market under his predecessor Stan O'Neal, who was ousted in late 2007. Those losses continued through 2008, forcing Thain and his management team to sell the brokerage firm to Bank of America in mid-September or face near certain liquidation as investors fearing further losses began pulling lines of credit and other financing.

Just last week, Bank of America announced that Merrill has suffered an unexpected loss of $1.79 billion for the fourth quarter of 2008, nearly collapsing BofA's purchase. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that without $138 billion in government assistance, including the infusion of $20 billion from the federal government he would have pulled out of the Merrill deal, which was approved by BofA shareholders in early December.
Thain has come under pressure in recent weeks after several top executives at Merrill, including brokerage chief Bob McCann and investment banking head Greg Fleming, abruptly resigned from the firm citing differences with Thain. People close to Lewis say his relationship with Thain was further strained by the recent massive loss. Lewis himself has faced withering criticism for rushing the buy Merrill for $28 billion after less than two days of due diligence.

Since John decided to invest in a 'john' of all johns, why ruin the atmosphere with simply toilet paper? Scottissue? Not on your life! Here we have an excellent product called Renova which costs around $20 for a 3 roll "luxury gift pack". Comes in red, orange, green, black, aqua and fuschia.

"Grossly understating the extent of Merrill's potential losses from Bank of America - assuming the latter firm's stance is to be believed: "The facts are that [Merrill's] fourth quarter was way beyond anything they said would happen," BofA spokesman Robert Stickler to the Wall Street Journal."

So why do I have such a hard-on for John Thain? Jealous? No, just tired of being lied to by CEO's and other professionals from Wall Street to Penn. Ave. to the "unbiased" rating agencies and finally to the scum at the SEC that should have caught this and Bernie Madoff in the bud.
Of course if assholes like this want to poop in a toilet that costs more than the cars I drive, then I say "Welcome to America!"
But when you actively deceive people to obtain that money, well I have another set of values for you:

........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
..........''...\.......... _.·´

I hope you were paying attention at your Taekwondo lessons.