Saturday, January 31, 2009

True Love

My wife sat on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of VB for $29.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

~Next Christmas idea options

I asked my wife
, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

Hat tip to CoyotePrime and thegreenman


Believe it or not, just a little while ago, I went to church twice a week, a cold beer would never touch my lips and I wouldn't dream of looking at the girls on the beach more than once. OK, maybe twice.
That all changed when I saved up my money and bought a computer.The first thing I did, besides find out what the weather was going to be, was find a joke. Lo and behold I ended up at this guy Spaz's place and my life has gone to hell in a handbasket been full of spice and charm ever since!
Well, truth be told Spaz is having a contest and I'm not above whoring myself out.
But seriously you gotta love the dude.
He's usually funny as hell and the only one that can tell guy jokes and actually have cool girls come over and laugh! You know, just like the old days with friends? Now you got to be politically correct and all that shit. If you want to go have yourself a good time, go out and visit the Knight of Decadence as he takes delicious dives into debauchery!

To all the other contestant losers, I know I did two. Bite me.
(I also used to be nice).

Friday, January 23, 2009

The $35,000 toilet?

Sometimes you just can't make this stuff up:
In early 2008, much as Merril Lynch CEO John Thain was preparing to slash expenses, cut thousands of jobs and exit businesses to fix the ailing securities firm, he was also spending company money on himself, senior people at the firm say.

According to documents reviewed by The Daily Beast, Thain spent $1.22 million of company money to refurbish his office at Merrill Lynch headquarters in lower Manhattan. The biggest piece of the spending spree: $800,000 to hire famed celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

1) $2,700 for six wall sconces.
2) $5,000 for a mirror in his private dining room.
3) $11,000 for fabric for a "Roman Shade.”
4) $13,000 for a chandelier in the private dining room.
5) $15,000 for a sofa.
6) $16,000 for a "custom coffee table.”
7) $18,000 for a “George IV Desk.”
8) $25,000 for a "mahogany pedestal table.”
9) $28,000 for four pairs of curtains.

10) $35,000 for something called a "commode on legs.”

11) $37,000 for six chairs in his private dining room.
12) $68,000 for a "19th Century Credenza" in his office.
13) $87,000 for a pair of guest chairs.
14) $87,000 for an area rug in Thain's conference room and another area rug for $44,000.
15) $230,000 to his driver for one year’s work.
16) $800,000 to hire celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

So, if you gotta go on the most expensive usable toilet, try the hands-free Neorest toilet. Made in Japan by Toto.Cyclone flush & other features.
Cost around $6,000.00

Control unit

Thain was tapped to run Merrill Lynch as the firm suffered massive losses from investments tied to the depressed real estate market under his predecessor Stan O'Neal, who was ousted in late 2007. Those losses continued through 2008, forcing Thain and his management team to sell the brokerage firm to Bank of America in mid-September or face near certain liquidation as investors fearing further losses began pulling lines of credit and other financing.

Just last week, Bank of America announced that Merrill has suffered an unexpected loss of $1.79 billion for the fourth quarter of 2008, nearly collapsing BofA's purchase. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that without $138 billion in government assistance, including the infusion of $20 billion from the federal government he would have pulled out of the Merrill deal, which was approved by BofA shareholders in early December.
Thain has come under pressure in recent weeks after several top executives at Merrill, including brokerage chief Bob McCann and investment banking head Greg Fleming, abruptly resigned from the firm citing differences with Thain. People close to Lewis say his relationship with Thain was further strained by the recent massive loss. Lewis himself has faced withering criticism for rushing the buy Merrill for $28 billion after less than two days of due diligence.

Since John decided to invest in a 'john' of all johns, why ruin the atmosphere with simply toilet paper? Scottissue? Not on your life! Here we have an excellent product called Renova which costs around $20 for a 3 roll "luxury gift pack". Comes in red, orange, green, black, aqua and fuschia.

"Grossly understating the extent of Merrill's potential losses from Bank of America - assuming the latter firm's stance is to be believed: "The facts are that [Merrill's] fourth quarter was way beyond anything they said would happen," BofA spokesman Robert Stickler to the Wall Street Journal."

So why do I have such a hard-on for John Thain? Jealous? No, just tired of being lied to by CEO's and other professionals from Wall Street to Penn. Ave. to the "unbiased" rating agencies and finally to the scum at the SEC that should have caught this and Bernie Madoff in the bud.
Of course if assholes like this want to poop in a toilet that costs more than the cars I drive, then I say "Welcome to America!"
But when you actively deceive people to obtain that money, well I have another set of values for you:

........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
..........''...\.......... _.·´

I hope you were paying attention at your Taekwondo lessons.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I Want My Bail-Out Money

Nothing says lovin'like a congress thats been bought'n.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Only in California

Natalie Dylan, 22, claims her offer of a one-night stand has persuaded 10,000 men to bid for sex with her.
Last September, when her auction came to light, she had received bids up to £162,000 ($243,000) but since then interest in her has 5.6 MILLION DOLLARS.

The student who has a degree in Women's Studies insisted she was not demeaning herself.

Miss Dylan, from San Diego, California, USA, said she was persuaded to offer herself to the highest bidder after her sister Avia, 23, paid for her own degree after working as a prostitute for three weeks.

She said she had had a lot of attention from a wide range of men, including "weirdos", "those who get really graphically sexual about what they want to do to me" and "lots of polite requests from rich businessmen".

Miss Dylan said she did not think it was particularly significant to be willing to sell your virginity and insisted that she was happy to undergo medical tests for any doubters.

She said: "I get some men who are obviously looking for a girlfriend but I try and make it clear that this is a one-night-only offer.

"I know that a lot of people will condemn me for this because it's so taboo but I really don't have a problem with that.

"My study is completely authentic in that I truly am auctioning my virginity but I am not being sold into this. I'm not being taken advantage of in any way.

"I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal."

She added: "It's shocking that men will pay so much for someone's virginity, which isn't even prized so highly anymore."

Post YOUR bid @ bunnyranch

Damn, I know the economy {sucks} but so do tuition costs!

I want to go ahead and bid on this (damn, gotta find my BUNNY #), but I'm kind of short these days.Since Spaz AND Flight Risk have refused a very generous loan w/interest request I have to resort to extreme measures. Like Blackmail! Just give me time.I think I might hang out in D.C. for a while.It shouldn't take long.

Oh, and another story from where else? California!

{I have just gotta clean up this mess one of these days...}

Father Accused Of Selling Daughter For Beer

GREENFIELD, Calif. -- A father is accused of trying to sell his 14-year-old daughter for marriage in hopes of getting money and 150 cases of beer in return, Greenfield police said.

Macelino de Jesus Martinez, 36, was arrested Monday on suspicion of trying to arrange to have his daughter marry Margarito de Jesus Galindo, 18, for $16,000, 100 cases of Corona, 50 cases of Modelo beer, several cases of meat, two cases of wine, 50 cases of Gatorade and 50 cases of soft drinks, authorities said.

The girl moved in with Galindo and when payments were not received, her father called police to get his daughter back.

Yea, but seriously. What kind of beer was it?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Friends Forever

If they can get along.....

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Last Party

Finally, the last party weekend before the beginning of the regular 2009 work week. You buying the beer this time? Figures. You must be from Cleveland, right? I understand.

So, How did you all fair this year? Did your boss give you a holiday "Merry Christmas-you're Fired!" like they did over @ Circuit City Inc? Or are you just filled with excited anticipation for the upcoming bullshit wonderful inauguration and President Obama picking up where Bush left off and screwing us to the wall and looking forward to when the economy will turn around and we can once again show the world the glories of avariciousness?

We recently received a Christmas holiday card from one of our in-laws. It was not just your run-of-the-mill Hallmark card saying "Merry Christmas" Peace on Earth bla bla..., with no attached money or checks in it. The audacity.
Now I'm all for the spirit of the occasion, but geez, with this economy wouldn't it be more prudent than spending $5.98 on a card +$.42 stamp + aggravation that everyone will sign it in their own handwriting + remembering to mail it and hope it doesn't get L.I.T.M. or returned for no apparent reason than simply sending a $6.00 pay-pal gift and saying "HEY! Happy Holidays! Here's something from us to you and your family, Love all of us!!
Of course I might not mention to the others there WAS a $6. gift, but even if I did I can always just say I spent it on gas to get their presents when I probably spent it on a few beers to get into the holiday spirit. Either way I'd still think of the in-laws much more lovingly than if I had to stick a stupid card on the wall then have to throw it in the fireplace on Jan.2.

It was worse. Much Worse. No, much much worse.
We received a QUIZ.

"How much do you know about us and the snot-nosed kids and the gerbil and the dog and the cat that took a junk out of me 7 years ago and I still have the scar and ...?"

Like I even care. I haven't even seen these people in years and I wouldn't invited them over for a drink unless I was in need of immediate medical attention.
I'm sure you've seen these 'unique' quiz letters all around by now so I assume you know what I'm talking about. This bullshit probably started in California by some ex-drug popping, joint smoking hippy gone Jesus, because everything begins in California and works it's way Eastward. Even the weather bows to Hollywood.Even the current economic crisis began in California. I mean who the f*ck would pay $750,000.00 for a one bedroom one bath 490 square footer, right next to the interstate (easy on & off!), with a spectacular view of your neighbor's vinyl siding and expect it to actually increase in value? Idiots.
Which leads me to another story about some business friends that couldn't find enough work around here What the...?
Anyway,that's another story.
But screw Hollywood and screw California, I have a new idea which will transverse the United States from EAST TO WEST, so California can kiss my ass.

If you had an in-law, Like me for instance, don't bore me with details of how 'little Johnny has grown 3" this year"! Who the f*ck cares? Sans little Johnny getting crushed by the school bus one day on his way to school he will probably grow up a few inches every fucking year. We got that. Move on!

If you are too cheap or too lazy to register at Pay Pal and have to refer to your family and friends then do us the favor of giving us some real information. And don't send it on a stupid card. Send it EMAIL so we can Facebook it and leave it for half the world to see. At least we can roll around the floor laughing whilst we are drunk with other family members sharing family time.

Damn, is that little Amy from our old neighborhood at college? My my how fast they grow up.

1. If you're a stockbroker, banker, auto dealer, sales rep: Give us some information from your knowledge on what stocks to buy/dump or who we can go to drop names to get a deal we can't refuse.

2. Tell us how your sex life is going.
Simply stating that " Thomas and I continue to have a satisfying sex life" does not cut it. How many times have you given Thomas head this year? Have you used Viagra yet? How many times? Have you let him go with his friends to a stripper bar? Which one? Did he bring pics home?

3. How much Money did you make this year? What did you blow your hard cash on?
The rest of the family will either love or hate you but either way everyone will know where you stand if they hear you just spent money this year on a 50 foot yacht then we will know something's up.
Very relevant for family, since it gives all other blood-suckers that still pay their electric bill and have internet access the potential for asking for a loan when times get tough, within the parameters of their in-laws income.

4.Tell everyone WHO you voted for in the last presidential election and WHY.
The obtuse and ancient idea of not discussing 'sex,politics,and religion' with family and friends went out when Nixon resigned. Get real. We need to know what side you're on just in case there's a civil war.

5.Take and send pics of your family members. This is especially important if you have developing teenagers for all family&friends to see and admire enjoy!
It is much more realistic if the kids are impromptu and not in a boring pose next to you old geezers; (just getting dressed from the shower for instance) or being tucked into bed. They're so cute when they're surprised! Also, it is very important for there to be proper lighting for copying & distribution family enjoyment. Also,another common mistake is overcome by making sure there's not something blocking their body face.Additionally, it's always more fun to have pictures of what nice friends our family & friends have made over time, especially say,overnight at a 'sleep-in' with them jumping around playing and such.Or away for Spring Break at Fort Lauderdale....

Damn, is that little Suzie up the street that used to be a cheerleader back in middle school?

It's so much more enjoyable to see everyone having fun in pictures!

If all Americans would take my advice we could look forward to a more interesting and fun-filled season next year!

OK. That's my 2 cents, and let it roll westward.
I think I covered everything here, but of course, if you have other ideas let me know.

Peace to all and Happy New Year!

Shout out to Spaz & Flight Risk!