Saturday, October 25, 2008

Oscar nominee


Hat tip to Coyote!

Priceless

Tuesday, October 21, 2008



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Howard J. Banneff III

I have been asked by your host, Kevin John, whom, may I add is of the uppermost (straight & narrow) caliber of people noteworthy of record and be associated with, to come here and set the record straight on the ridiculous media's reporting about our fine people here and the company we oversee : AIG American General Inc.

Look. Let's be frank. I understand that you (peasants) people (cannot) have a hard time understanding the complicated and intricate (corrupted) workings of a major insurance corporation and are miffed (ready to go to war with the US government) that your taxes might go up a few hundred dollars a year because of it. So what?
That buys a good burgundy these days? Get real. I've tipped more than that for the idiot who parked my BMW.
OK. So you had to give us a few bucks, but look at what you've got: a major AMERICAN company, with AMERICAN workers whom (outside of the top execs and insiders) get paid at least $2.79/hour MORE than minimum wage to help cover their health insurance costs. What person these days wouldn't jump on that offer?
This is all about the silly little conference(orgy celebration) we had at St. Regis resort
in California for the company to "regroup" and think strategy.Do you think Lloyds of London is going to stop being a thorn in our side?
We spent a little too much I'll admit, and St. Regis is considered one of the top resort/company priced places for an annual picnic, but this was a special event. What would YOU have done if someone just gave YOU $85 BILLION ? Have a pow-wow at the Holiday Inn Express with the 'Free Continental Breakfast'? I think not.

And seriously folks, to only focus on that we were all just laughing , drinking, and rolling around on the floor naked in 2" of fifty and one hundred dollar USD's with some of St. Regis's maid service employees is missing the point entirely.

We relaxed. Professional body messages by top grade professionals (large-breasted women not a day over 24 yrs old) and professional companion advisers(hookers) do not come cheap!

And Oy Vey, the cost of food and drink these days? A few years ago you could get a Wray & Nephew White Overproof Rum , a simple desert such as Chocopologie by Knipschildt or a good Knish for a few measly five thousand dollars (each). They are much more than that now. We should look into a law!

Would you people rather we celebrate at Burger King?

The rhetoric and gall of the elected officials against us with this 'witch hunt' and their asking Robert & Martin to cancel their 6 month planned Hilton Head Golf outing to testify at the House Oversight committee was very hard on our colleagues. We were SO upset of the actions of some of the Congressman and women who posted story after story of our 'alleged abuses' in the papers that we refused to go a penny higher than the nominal $21,356.69 per person
"campaign" (bribe) pledge -and we STUCK TO OUR GUNS. After all- this is YOUR money we're talking about!

Even Mr. Dinallo understood the significance of having a spirited (allot of spirit) conference and regroup
"under the circumstances".

After all the 'campaign distributions (bribes) were done, the hotel/resort was paid and the services (catering and whores) were given remuneration, even the VERY SAME PEOPLE that were chastising us felt sorry enough after we explained in detail and after cancellation of many scheduled (gold) golf outings and gave us another (BAIL OUT ) loan of an additional $37.8 BILLION!

Even they saw the truth in what we had to say (after they were bribed).

You can always trust your representatives in Washington right?

Good night, God Bless, and Don't forget to vote for John McCain and (milf) Sarah Palin next month!



Howard

Friday, October 17, 2008



NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS:


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

***
Q) What's the capital of Iceland?

About £3.50

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I went to fill up my gas tank and I couldn't decide between leveraged and unleveraged"
****

I Went to Best Buy to get a toaster and they gave me a free bank with purchase..
****


The Unknown

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.
—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing
Don Rumsfeld (Author's note:the only true thing he said in office. Kev).


**
**
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK

***
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
G. Reinis, Lafayette, CA USA
***

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tom, London, UK
***
And my Favorite.......


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada

{Author's note: Thank you to all the fine folks @ CR! My friend from Calgary hits it on the head."Hey man-pass a cold one over, eh?" Kev}

credit:http://calculatedrisk.blogspot.com/

Monday, October 6, 2008

Securitized Housing Investment Trust

"The No Banker-Left-Behind Bill"


Securitized Housing Investment Trust

HANKY PANKY BANKING BAILOUT


Once the 700 Billion Bailout Bill is passed a new public/private entity willbe created. This new entity will be known as the Securitized HousingInvestment Trust and will be referred to using the acronym S.H.I.T. Once Paulson and the administration get their S.H.I.T. together, all of our financialproblems will be behind us. In addition to purchasing illiquid mortgage assets, Detroit crack houses, abandoned FEMA trailers, and other real estateassets, the trust will also purchase porta potties. Paulson is quoted as saying: " The porta potty acquisition is the crown jewel of our plan. As theUS Dollar reaches parity with toilet paper, left over toilet paper in the porta potties could be a valuable asset. We expect a return of 100, 200 oreven 1000% on the toilet paper asset alone relative to the US Dollar."Most political analysts are in agreement, this will be the largest S.H.I.T. on the face of the planet. No major non-party economic advisor was asked to contribute as the details of this essential legislation were too complicated for the average PHd economic professor to absorb.
"We need to cut through the chase on this." Spokeswoman at a White House forum said. No name was given because she is forbidden to talk on important issues without knowing a thing about them. "We cannot afford to confuse the American people".

President Bush is meeting with top party officials to begin the environmental conservation of all household and rationing of all PPTP assets immediately. "We will not fail the American people". Mr. Bush is quoted as saying.
"As soon as S.H.I.T. hits the floor and the house I encourage every honorable American to support this bill".
"Do NOT take S.H.I.T. lightly-it has the ingredients in it that will transform America's continued role in serving as the protector of peace and democracy throughout the world."

Major CNN and FOX commentators have corroborated their excitement for Congress to finally bring up something as monumentally important to the average American hard working tax payer as S.H.I.T.
Fox's Sean Hannity is quoted as saying:

" I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am that Congress is beginning to wake up and smell the coffee." This SHIT is the real thing ladies and gentlemen. This might be the last chance to get a point across to the evil democrats that the real deal is in this piece of SHIT".

Even Religious leader John Hagee is espousing the important elements and essential passing of the SHIT legislation: "Jesus would have loved this plan folks." In fact, after coming out of many hours of prayer in the last few weeks for the salvation of our country and illumination of plans to keep American and Its friends free and democratic we need this SHIT as much as we need the good Lord preached in this holy church".
I say to you today- the DEVIL does not like SHIT, will not tolerate SHIT and does not want you to see SHIT for what it really is!!!"
Mr. Hagee went on to say that he was encouraged his 8000 congregation with multiple toilets inside as well as outside on the sports field campus would be proud to be a voluntary PPTP member and help the assets of all true Christians and Americans by supporting this godly SHIT legislation that is long overdue.
"By supporting SHIT you prove yourself to be a real God-fearing American and contributor to America's future".

credit due: Les/Smoking Mirrors