Wednesday, November 5, 2008

White House Press Conference

Sometime in April, 2009..

Major Announcement on Economic Policy,
The White House Press Room:

(we pick up just after the meeting has come to order)

" Yes, Helen, it's always good to see you again (retching noises)....Katie! Good to see you, and you too Tom! I am sorry but there will be no questions & answers after this statement, per the president's request. {{groans}}

{Ahem} As I was saying, the tough financial position in the United States is soley due to the irresponsibility of some people buying houses in the last few years that they couldn't afford after they got stupidly laid-off or had a silly disease like Cancer because they couldn't afford health insurance and had to pay the CAT SCAN bill then made a bad choice between living and staying current on their mortgage.
We ALL have to pay for the bad decisions others make and that's just not right, unless you are making less than $10,000/year which gives you a virtual get-out-of jail-free card- except for taxes, health care, food, continuing education and DUI's. That's on you.

President Obama has met with top financial advisors within the IMF and the World Bank. He has flown numerous times to Brussels to consult with financial leaders in other freedom loving countries , and I believe we have a three point plan that we all-as Americans,can be proud of.

#1. All ABC and state liquer stores will be authorized to sell FDA aproved and US certified Marajuanna, Cocaine, Jack, Extasy and meth blow to only American Citizens. They will be instructed not to sell to immigrants that want to come to our country illegally and take away American drugs,, I mean Jobs from hard working American families.
This will necessitate the expansion of many ABC and state ATF stores nationwide. This will mean major construction projects, employing thousands of construction workers, commercial real-estate agents and experienced drug pushers that over the years through work hard and paying taxes can look forward working to the American dream. This will deliver 34.4567 Trillion dollars to the GDP over 10 years.

#2.Since the US has the largest per capita rate of prisoners incorporating a thriving prison and barbed-wire industry that is made-in-America it only makes sense to take advantage of this resource. The decision has been reached to 'Insource' prisoners from China, India, Pakistan and Outer Mongolia where the respective governments will save money from not having to house those offenders and terrorists, bring them here and create American jobs by using the American made fascilities we already have at our disposal. Having faith that we have a dozens of third world despots, communist rulers, mafia bosses (in house and out of country) that agree to the financial terms we offer, the United States will agree to house, medically treat injuries (caused by the guards), feed and (for a nominal extra feee), torture.
With all the extra camps that were built recently by Haliburtan & KKR within the United States, and the expansion of Guatanomo and other top secret underground plants, we have plenty of resources available, with highly skilled & experienced prison detention labor to bid & secure such an important contract for true Americans. This alone will deliver at least 792.57 Billion dollars per year to the GDP.

#3. Because of the economic situation it has become apparent there has been a rise in...shall we say, "ladies of the night" arrests. Throughout America the horror of seeing some girl or guy agree to have sex for money to pay for silly things like food or rent is just unfathonalbe.

We are developing a plan in conjuction with the former administration's failed ' No Child Left Behind' strategy, that orchestrates the arrest of any prostitue, unmarried sex offender, or female students bearing breasts at college football games. This will be applicable to males where appropriate and punishable by law.
In this exciting time of change for the American people, it is well known not be be fair that one stud and his friend can walk into a room and walk out with any girl they desire, within the first 45 minites.
The fact that most of the time the females are blond is missing the point entirely.
Unfortunately, you have others like Sam who work very hard scrapping together enough money from their Wal-mart jobs to afford their freshly ironed plaid-pants w/bow-tie and the cover charge just to get dissed by some gorgeous hunk of sweet thing that any man in the world would walk a mile barefoot over broken glass to shake hands with.

Just because Sam might have a few extra (dozen) whiteheads glowing on his face, or the large heavy rimmed high-definition glasses he should not be procluded from getting it on with at least one "bring-Tafy-alone-she-makes-us-look-so-hot", size 14 'more-of-me-to-love' babes. With this new plan he will!
We need to spread the wealth ladies & gentlemen, and that's just what the American public voted President Obama into office to do last fall.

This policy, when passed by the Senate will endeavor to clean up our cities, and our colleges in an attempt to look sterile and economically prospersous like China. If it worked there, then it should work here. However, since Americans are more ingenous than anyone in the world we have implemented a plan that would make every offender work off their crime by using the means of their trade by paying off their crime! Do you folks have any idea what the stagering amount Americans pay for porn? Incredible!
Simply put, the United States would legalize public sex, internet sex, sex between minors ,gay-sex and sex with vegitables as long as the participants are adults and citizens of the United States, that are legally licensed. Legal Licenses would be available at any state DMV or on-line and payable with Visa, Mastercard or American -Express.There would be a discount for three or more selections.

Under our policy, Sam will not only find the love he wants without breaking his retirement account or waiting until the crack of dawn for a girl to have dillusions, but have sex with anyone he can afford and go about building prosperity for America the next day at Wal-Mart refreshed & revigerated!

We can increase the GDP, with this plan and the You Tube per view charge by at least 87.5983 Trillion within 10 years!!

These three altenatives alone will dramtically increase governement funds, as well as increasing revenue and paying of the debt that every American will be relieved on in the years to come.
In addition we are proposing an added tax-rebate sharing program to American families of up to 15% on every trick-drug and insourced prisoner that increases the GDP budget in the next tax year. Alaska doesn't have all the good ideas, dontcha know!

Good Night and God Bless and God Bless the United States of America!


flight risk said...

Spread the wealth ladies & gentlemen .
I so glad I voted for that nice Irish man O-Bama . I just picked up my License yesterday and never have I had so much sex before , next week I plan to pick up the with a partner endorsement ( I hope its worth the extra $200.00 ).

I would love to talk some more but its off to my job ( yeah we have those now that Bush is out )at ATF store .

Kevin John said...

Now that we have victory, just when are they gonna send me a check to cover my late mortgage payments Flight Risk?