Health & Human Services
In a stunning development the President-Elect said Friday that he will appoint Brittany Spears to head the office of Health & Human Services. The reason was that she identifies with all washed-out and slightly overweight soccer-moms that think they can squeeze into a size 8 bikini (and look good) but have trouble passing the baton to their teenagers who are as hot, or hotter than they ever could be.
Ms. Spear's excited response with such an honor is quoted as saying " Me?? OMG! I don't have a THING to wear! But I'll get some stuff together, I think..."
Ms. Spears is still expected to accept the nomination.
Oversight & Fitness (EOOF)
Michael Jordan(pictured above), is yelling at Congressman Randy Forbes(R-Va) and/or other lethargic fat- assed elected officials to
'Get the lead out!', in a mandatory practice run after his appointment from President-elect Obama to the newly created office of "Elected Official Oversight & Fitness (EOOF), Friday evening.
Mr. Jordan, whom is best known for his triumphant multi-year NBA Wins for the Chicago Bulls in the early 90's was selected to be in charge of ethics and physical fitness for members of Congress after years of failing to care to vote, not voting at all or not even being present to vote and in the mean-time growing lazier and fatter thereby increasing the risk of heart disease, stroke and being hung from light poles by their constituents.
Mr. Jordan said: " I am elated Mr. Obama choose me to head such an important agency. But having kicked his Milano ass several times in one-on-one hoops back in Chi-Town, he actually owed me one. Thank you, President-Elect, I will do my best. Mike."
Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia
New Appointments for United States Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia:
Mr. Carlos Mencia.
Mr. Mencia was evidently excited, though pulling up roots in their beautiful paid-for, no mortgage 7000 sq. ft home in L.A. would be tuff.
" I am honored President Elect picked me to head the relations to one of the largest and formally most feared countries in the world".
Mrs. Mencia was alleged to be looking at properties for sale around the D.C. area, but found it hard to find one that has palm trees and maintains a yearly 70 degree inside and outside temperature.
Mrs. Mencia was encouraged though by the thoughtful and relatively quick drive in and around the U.S. Capitol Beltway. Observing people only driving 95 in a 65 mph, she was pleasantly charmed by the hospitality of Easterner's driving etiquette.
"Why, it only took us 90 minutes to travel the 35 miles we had to go to get to the malls from the Overlook. In L.A., it would have been twice that long on the 405-at midnight! And people are so courteous when you have to cut them off to turn, they only honk a few minutes and maybe give you a finger and call you a racial name. In L.A. they might do that AFTER they blew your tires out with the sawed-off shot gun hiding under their seats. It's lovely here! I can't wait for the Cherry blossoms!"
Mr. Mencia, who is know nation-wide as an authority on civil rights and laid-back style humor that got his name into many conversation circles, has a daunting task ahead of him. U.S. alliance with the situation in Georgia and the current N.A.T.O. expansion are just some of the tender diplomatic points that he will face.
"Russia is a wonderful country and I am honored to represent L.A. (and the rest of America)", when asked what he would say as the U.S. ambassador to Russia, Mr. Mencia went on to say: "When I get a face-to-face with Russian President Putin he will have to cut the deck and Anne up.I'm sure he's gonna say his country's got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles that are targeted for the United States so we better do good. Well, Mr. Putin needs to know we got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles ALONE aimed at his white Socialist ass in Moscow each and every day, bitch!"
Mr. Mencia added: " I grew up as a "wetback" in L.A., during the South Central Riots, and let me tell you something: Gandhi's ways might have worked in India, but they sure as hell's not gonna work around here! Don't piss on the boot that has your neck against the sidewalk kinda thing, yaknow?"
President Elect Obama, hearing of the enthusiasm of Mr. & Mrs. Mencia's appointment said:" I am charmed by their patriotism and support for Mr. Mencia's apparent knowledge in diplomacy.I just wish I had more like Mr. Mencia to get the job done."
Department of Education
Sandra age 42 English teacher
Joe "the plumber" Daddy Lydell
In a surprising move, President Elect Obama has selected Mr.J.D. Lydell to head the department of Education and take the many Dept. Head circulars of the failed 'No Child Left Behind' and have a bonfire out back of the Whitehouse @ 7p.m. Jan 29, 2009 and Everyone must BYO hotdogs.
Mr. Lydell was quoted as saying:
"My man, Bar! Way to go dog! President Obama is on da bus, in choosing meh to be head of educatin' our kids. The first thing I did was to get these two cougars outta the big house for spending a little quality time with the kids. Though they had a bit of trouble with the law, what person hasn't? They are still teachers that we need to teach our children. Come now, get real. If YOU were a dude and still in high school would you even THINK of skipping a class if these hos wanted to teach you a little 'extra-curricular activity'? Hell no! Look at that English teach, will ya? Can you believe the bitch is 42? I don't care if she's 75! If I had a charm like that I would be reading Shakespeare to my Harvard friends on my yacht- today! And DAMN, who the HELL ever had a SUB like that???(below) Jesus- save me!!! I wouldn't THINK of skipping a class, or getting a grade below an B+ if she was at the helm,.. I mean the teacher!
Word peeps! This is the end to any skipping in any school across the country for any dude that is not queer or that hasn't entered puberty. We can look into some of the male offenders too. The girls and others that will be in school- just to be around the other guys and girls will increase district funding and get better grades for our kids! Isn't this better than the stupid 'No Kid gets it in the behind thing'? They all did anyway!
I propose to get ANY female or male that has ever been arrested for a silly sex-with-minor charge, get them licensed in education and put them into a classroom where they can do the most people, er, I mean good.
This is the time for change and Mr.President Elect meant what he said! Peace out dogs!"
Cameo-sub age 29
Undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce
Rivers Cuomo , (former Weazer lead singer),was selected to become the undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce, replacing has-been former Secretary "We might be near a recession" Gutierrez. The reason given by President-elect spokesman Jerome Nape was due to his confidence in the great successes of Weazer and of Mr. Cuomo.
"The nation's voting youth's obvious faith in their musical idols combined with the fact that one of their number one songs was "Beverly Hills" plays into the strategic economic policy of the new administration to bring Change to America".
Mr. Cuomo, ending a nation-wide tour with tired druged-out and groupie sex band players was still excited with the nomination.
Mr. Cuomo is quoted as saying: "Let's face it, my appointment, however humble it shall be, is going to draw thousands of cool people back to California. It's where it's at, where it's been at and you're a looser if you live anywhere else. With the possible exception of Bakersfield, in your heart you know that's true.
California is the top of the hill and Beverley Hills is the Golden Egg on the hill, and with my appointment and music in the background, millions of kids will descend on California, buying foreclosed homes, filling needed jobs and paying more in taxes. Besides, we need to get more blonds in town. Most of the old ones are getting a beer gut."
Mr. Nape, conveying the President-elect's appreciation for Mr. Cuomo's agreement to accept said:
"At the very least it will increase GDP productivity by a project 15.988% by wage earners just attempting to save the money to move to California.
This is the economic breakthrough that America needs!"
In other news, Music Hit Stars Cold Play agreed to be in Washington D.C. at the inauguration playing "Viva La Vida" in commemoration of the exiting administration.