Sunday, March 15, 2009

Justice the American Way

OK, I've been gone for a while and everyone is bitching at me to do something.So boys and girls today we will talk about one of my favorite subjects:

Opps,sorry about that

We're almost there...


Allow me to explain the Wall Street scam, subsequent crisis, and bailout in a very brief, but effective way for you:

You and your wife have worked hard for years without taking a vacation so you carefully save your money, request leave from work and book a nice long retreat down in St. Thomas. You have called the paper to cancel delivery and notified the police and your neighbors of your absense and ask they keep an eye out on your house.

Unfortunately, the regular paper carrier's car gets repossesed, a kid out of High school takes over and papers start piling up.

Its also kind of unfortunate that the police were busy busting some kids down the road for smoking marijuana and the neighbors just didn't happen to notice the truck in your driveway.

The thieves break into your house, steal everything, and it leaves you nearly broke.

Law enforcement responds by visiting with the thieves and the resellers of the thief's stolen goods in a very friendly setting, perhaps lunch at the Four Seasons. Law enforcement then takes the information to government officials who respond by writing the thief and the resellers a check from what is left of your checking account. They decide this too over lunch, perhaps also at the Four Seasons and on your dime (i.e. taxes).

Then the same government officials declare that a new and better alarm system should be installed in your home and in the home of all Americans, at a high cost to you of course.

(The reality is that the alarm system worked perfectly, but that does not matter).

The thief and the resellers in turn thank these government officials by contributing to their electoral coffers, so they stay in office to help with future robberies. The alarm companies also thank these same government officials by also contributing to their electoral coffers.

In the meantime you have to go to work and put on a smiley face on all day while fighting with the insurance companies that are sure you just forgot to lock the door(neglect), are having marital problems or just need some quick drug fix money.
Your mountainous police reports that have to be notorized and faxed to the convenient number in India seem to have got lost. When you lose your temper and tell them all to get off their fat asses and pay for the goods you've lost or you will come over and rip their heads off and stuff it up their asses, you are courteously hung up upon and receive a visit again from the very courteous law enforcement who take you into custody on threat (terrorist) charges,and you lose your job.

While you begin rotting in a jail cell your wife meets an up and coming business executive that wrongly assumed the house was in forclosure from the lack of furniture and household ammenities. They make a deal and you receive divorce notices in jail but you don't care because the house was already unwater with a balloon payment due next fall and all you want is an some place to go and drink a cold beer.

Which you do when you get out and finally find a new and exciting job.

(Street vending is a job.)

Without the now ex-wife you are able to enjoy other exotic places around town full of laughter, mirth and make new friends.

While all the time scheming to get even with the assholes at the insurance company that screwed you over. So one day you get a great job delivering natural gas that pays $2.00 over minimum wage, but you are not thinking of the extra beer money, you are thinking of driving over to the nice beautiful insurance company.

With your truck.

Lie to your ex and her new boyfriend that an insurance settlement has been reached and to meet you at the insurance company.

Then go have a cold beer with some good friends.

Of course, all this is just fantasy.

**I got this idea from one of coyote's postings, where he got it from, which I embelished considerably.


CoyotePrime said...

LOL! Kevin, that's amazing! Funny as hell, a real masterpiece. I have to link to this gem...

nursemyra said...

I like the part about the beer

Kevin John said...

Thank you Coyote.

Nurse, me too!

Skye said...

You did a great job translating the language of Wall Street into the language of average Joe, KJ.

I especially like the gas delivery to the insurance company.

Kevin John said...

Thank you Skye. I live to translate complicated things like getting screwed into an easier-to-read format.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Well done. Now give us your version for those of us who do not have wives.

Kevin John said...

Meg, for you anything.

As soon as I can think of something...

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Kevin, I'm new here. I came via Coyote's post about the blogs he visits, so blame him for my presence.

Well embellished! I loved the way you treated that story into layman's language. Hell, even I could understand it.

I'll be following you from now on.


Mike said...

You seem grumpy.

You should take a vacation ;)

Kevin John said...

Welcome AV! Just don't tell the wife.. :)

Mike..naw, just overworked & underpaid. Can I borrow some money?
I have a sure win on the Mega drawing next month.

Anonymous said...

I'll read the post after I stop looking at the girl in the white bikini--"she love me long time?"--we do have amish women dressed in wool around here and loads of mennonites with the little hair covering and to- the- ankle jeans skirts and turtlenecks in the summer--imagine the sexual frustrations--you could power cities with it---maybe I'm on to something---hmmmmmmm--I'll get back to you on that---loved the antwerp video too--