Saturday, January 31, 2009

True Love

My wife sat on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of VB for $29.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...


~Next Christmas idea options





I asked my wife
, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started...


My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...



Hat tip to CoyotePrime and thegreenman


***********
SPECIAL BULLETIN

Believe it or not, just a little while ago, I went to church twice a week, a cold beer would never touch my lips and I wouldn't dream of looking at the girls on the beach more than once. OK, maybe twice.
That all changed when I saved up my money and bought a computer.The first thing I did, besides find out what the weather was going to be, was find a joke. Lo and behold I ended up at this guy Spaz's place and my life has gone to hell in a handbasket been full of spice and charm ever since!
Well, truth be told Spaz is having a contest and I'm not above whoring myself out.
But seriously you gotta love the dude.
He's usually funny as hell and the only one that can tell guy jokes and actually have cool girls come over and laugh! You know, just like the old days with friends? Now you got to be politically correct and all that shit. If you want to go have yourself a good time, go out and visit the Knight of Decadence as he takes delicious dives into debauchery!







To all the other contestant losers, I know I did two. Bite me.
(I also used to be nice).

5 comments:

Skye said...

OMG KJ, that was great! Thanks for the laugh!

My favorite from the whole bunch has got to be the "something shiny that goes from 0-150 in about 3 seconds".

Kevin John said...

Thanks Skye! This would be kinda fun to continue...umm.

VE said...

Gad that was hilarious! You had enough in there for a week of posts! I loved the scale one...

Reminds me of that time when I was single and had those ring side tickets at Ceasers for the Heavyweight championship and was right next to that hot blonde with the really short skirt. She kept getting closer and closer to me as I was reaching down with my hand.

And then the fight started...

Skye said...

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

Kevin John said...

VE & Skye,

Ha! You guys are halarious! Maybe we should do a talent show....