Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Last Party

Finally, the last party weekend before the beginning of the regular 2009 work week. You buying the beer this time? Figures. You must be from Cleveland, right? I understand.

So, How did you all fair this year? Did your boss give you a holiday "Merry Christmas-you're Fired!" like they did over @ Circuit City Inc? Or are you just filled with excited anticipation for the upcoming bullshit wonderful inauguration and President Obama picking up where Bush left off and screwing us to the wall and looking forward to when the economy will turn around and we can once again show the world the glories of avariciousness?

We recently received a Christmas holiday card from one of our in-laws. It was not just your run-of-the-mill Hallmark card saying "Merry Christmas" Peace on Earth bla bla..., with no attached money or checks in it. The audacity.
Now I'm all for the spirit of the occasion, but geez, with this economy wouldn't it be more prudent than spending $5.98 on a card +$.42 stamp + aggravation that everyone will sign it in their own handwriting + remembering to mail it and hope it doesn't get L.I.T.M. or returned for no apparent reason than simply sending a $6.00 pay-pal gift and saying "HEY! Happy Holidays! Here's something from us to you and your family, Love all of us!!
Of course I might not mention to the others there WAS a $6. gift, but even if I did I can always just say I spent it on gas to get their presents when I probably spent it on a few beers to get into the holiday spirit. Either way I'd still think of the in-laws much more lovingly than if I had to stick a stupid card on the wall then have to throw it in the fireplace on Jan.2.

It was worse. Much Worse. No, much much worse.
We received a QUIZ.

"How much do you know about us and the snot-nosed kids and the gerbil and the dog and the cat that took a junk out of me 7 years ago and I still have the scar and ...?"

Like I even care. I haven't even seen these people in years and I wouldn't invited them over for a drink unless I was in need of immediate medical attention.
I'm sure you've seen these 'unique' quiz letters all around by now so I assume you know what I'm talking about. This bullshit probably started in California by some ex-drug popping, joint smoking hippy gone Jesus, because everything begins in California and works it's way Eastward. Even the weather bows to Hollywood.Even the current economic crisis began in California. I mean who the f*ck would pay $750,000.00 for a one bedroom one bath 490 square footer, right next to the interstate (easy on & off!), with a spectacular view of your neighbor's vinyl siding and expect it to actually increase in value? Idiots.
Which leads me to another story about some business friends that couldn't find enough work around here What the...?
Anyway,that's another story.
But screw Hollywood and screw California, I have a new idea which will transverse the United States from EAST TO WEST, so California can kiss my ass.

If you had an in-law, Like me for instance, don't bore me with details of how 'little Johnny has grown 3" this year"! Who the f*ck cares? Sans little Johnny getting crushed by the school bus one day on his way to school he will probably grow up a few inches every fucking year. We got that. Move on!

If you are too cheap or too lazy to register at Pay Pal and have to refer to your family and friends then do us the favor of giving us some real information. And don't send it on a stupid card. Send it EMAIL so we can Facebook it and leave it for half the world to see. At least we can roll around the floor laughing whilst we are drunk with other family members sharing family time.

Damn, is that little Amy from our old neighborhood at college? My my how fast they grow up.

1. If you're a stockbroker, banker, auto dealer, sales rep: Give us some information from your knowledge on what stocks to buy/dump or who we can go to drop names to get a deal we can't refuse.

2. Tell us how your sex life is going.
Simply stating that " Thomas and I continue to have a satisfying sex life" does not cut it. How many times have you given Thomas head this year? Have you used Viagra yet? How many times? Have you let him go with his friends to a stripper bar? Which one? Did he bring pics home?

3. How much Money did you make this year? What did you blow your hard cash on?
The rest of the family will either love or hate you but either way everyone will know where you stand if they hear you just spent money this year on a 50 foot yacht then we will know something's up.
Very relevant for family, since it gives all other blood-suckers that still pay their electric bill and have internet access the potential for asking for a loan when times get tough, within the parameters of their in-laws income.

4.Tell everyone WHO you voted for in the last presidential election and WHY.
The obtuse and ancient idea of not discussing 'sex,politics,and religion' with family and friends went out when Nixon resigned. Get real. We need to know what side you're on just in case there's a civil war.

5.Take and send pics of your family members. This is especially important if you have developing teenagers for all family&friends to see and admire enjoy!
It is much more realistic if the kids are impromptu and not in a boring pose next to you old geezers; (just getting dressed from the shower for instance) or being tucked into bed. They're so cute when they're surprised! Also, it is very important for there to be proper lighting for copying & distribution family enjoyment. Also,another common mistake is overcome by making sure there's not something blocking their body face.Additionally, it's always more fun to have pictures of what nice friends our family & friends have made over time, especially say,overnight at a 'sleep-in' with them jumping around playing and such.Or away for Spring Break at Fort Lauderdale....

Damn, is that little Suzie up the street that used to be a cheerleader back in middle school?

It's so much more enjoyable to see everyone having fun in pictures!

If all Americans would take my advice we could look forward to a more interesting and fun-filled season next year!

OK. That's my 2 cents, and let it roll westward.
I think I covered everything here, but of course, if you have other ideas let me know.

Peace to all and Happy New Year!

Shout out to Spaz & Flight Risk!


Mike said...

I whole heartedly agree to cut the shit and get right to the juicy stuff.

Nobody cares about snot nosed brats that ain't yours and you don't care about.


Also, I appreciate the shout out but you need to use a link to cuz nobody knows who I am ;)

Kevin John said...

Sorry I missed that Mike, got it covered. Thanks for the visit.

Flight Risk said...

"This is especially important if you have developing teenagers for all us uncles/aunts/cousins to see and lust over enjoy!"

Kevin , Are you sure your not from WEST Virgina ????

Lay off the eggnog and save the beer goggles for the ugly chicks your NOT related to ;-)

I know times are tough and a man has needs . But that's no excuse to try to get the family discount from the prostitutes .

Kevin John said...

Hey Flight Risk,

I should have probably changed that word...wait. I did.

Don't get offended, it's just hyberbole.

Flight Risk said...

Just when I thought you where sick , I found this

Eat up

Kevin John said...

Flight Risk, Me sick? No...slightly warped perhaps but tell me, just what made you...dig up this tasty surprise?
Where you scavenging around the kitchen and trying to make something you already had in the cupboards?

hee hee
thanks though.