Ode to the Holidays

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
People fretted and worried that the Market was down
They fussed and they stressed over 401(k)'s
And wondered how they would survive the coming days.
The stockings were hung (cause the dryer was broken)
But things will get better: Obama has spoken'
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
The true Christmas Miracle: a roof over their heads'
And I, with my mortgage, lay awake late at night
While the cost of our groceries soared to dizzying new heights
The magic of Christmas nearly gone in a flash
Remembering I'd long since run out of cash.
More rapid than eagles, the bills they all came
I pry open my wallet and weakly exclaim:
"On VISA, on AMEX, on MasterCard too"
Charging off our expenses is all I can do.
With Christmas decorations up before Halloween
It's all I can do to not break down and scream'
But another new year is just round the bend
And the hope our economy rebounds again
So this is your present: a poem and a hug
With a thought in my head of all your cute "mugs"
And our hopes you're surviving and staying afloat
If it's any consolation, we're in the same boat
We wish you a gas tank that's always stays full
And a happy, yet somehow affordable Yule
A portfolio as well-rounded as old Santa's tummy
A great Christmas dinner that's truly yummy
Good times, good health, good friends, good cheer
A safe and prosperous Happy New Year
And, of course, our good wishes, since at least they're still free
Mele Kalikimaka - from my family and me!

~author unknown



*a little late,but deal with it.

Humbled

OK. OK. OK.

So I got lazy and posted a bunch of videos that every normal person saw before Gore invented the internet. Sue me. You have to admit they're pretty good, no?

The reality is that being kinda new to this genre and coming around to view humor bloggers I am in awe at the imaginative and creative writing that goes on from boys & girls that play ball like the old base/basket/football players used to play ball before they let themselves get whored out with multi-million dollar contracts. They did if for fun!

Some of the writings here are better than anything on Saterday Night Live or comedy shops where a beer will cost a $5 note, plus a tip if you don't want the girl to spit in it before serving you.

Anyone that can make others smile in this crappy economy has my vote, and word is my stocks aren't going up anytime too soon. O well, maybe I'll hit the lottery. It's about my time ya know.Then I'll syndicate and buy out a bunch of you gals/guys who don't mind bending over for me and I'll pay you just enough to get you hooked while I negotiate multi-million dollar contracts with Howard Stern.



(Personally I can't wait until I get some groupies.)




I love you guys! I am honored to be a part of this talented community.

Merry Christmas and a safe New Year to all!

Kevin John
Virginia US

The next British Music Invasion

Absolutely stunning performance by Paul.


******CNN Bullettin******
Paul Potts has been finally accepted in the AGU!*

This gives all of us who are still waiting for our official papers.....hope!

{By the way....Mr. Potts won.}








*Attractive Girls Union

Anti-Obama Forces Return to Challange Elect's Victory

Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President




Word on the street has stated this as the "cover-up" of the Century in what was not reported by local and main-stream news.

CNN/MSNBC

Union Choke-holds on America

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman




This is just getting out of control.

Stay Healthy & Young

The U.S.D.A., the A.M.A. want to take this time to let you know how much they care for YOU-the consumer!

Now take your vitamins, watch a little T.V., then go out there and SHOP! It's Christmas time!

Memo 4325.842
Dept. Homeland Security
Dept. of the Treasury
Henry Paulson CEO

President Elect Obama Appointments

Health & Human Services




In a stunning development the President-Elect said Friday that he will appoint Brittany Spears to head the office of Health & Human Services. The reason was that she identifies with all washed-out and slightly overweight soccer-moms that think they can squeeze into a size 8 bikini (and look good) but have trouble passing the baton to their teenagers who are as hot, or hotter than they ever could be.
Ms. Spear's excited response with such an honor is quoted as saying " Me?? OMG! I don't have a THING to wear! But I'll get some stuff together, I think..."

Ms. Spears is still expected to accept the nomination.

****

Oversight & Fitness (EOOF)




Michael Jordan(pictured above), is yelling at Congressman Randy Forbes(R-Va) and/or other lethargic fat- assed elected officials to
'Get the lead out!', in a mandatory practice run after his appointment from President-elect Obama to the newly created office of "Elected Official Oversight & Fitness (EOOF), Friday evening.
Mr. Jordan, whom is best known for his triumphant multi-year NBA Wins for the Chicago Bulls in the early 90's was selected to be in charge of ethics and physical fitness for members of Congress after years of failing to care to vote, not voting at all or not even being present to vote and in the mean-time growing lazier and fatter thereby increasing the risk of heart disease, stroke and being hung from light poles by their constituents.
Mr. Jordan said: " I am elated Mr. Obama choose me to head such an important agency. But having kicked his Milano ass several times in one-on-one hoops back in Chi-Town, he actually owed me one. Thank you, President-Elect, I will do my best. Mike."
*****

Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia



New Appointments for United States Foreign Relations Ambassador to Russia:
Mr. Carlos Mencia.
Mr. Mencia was evidently excited, though pulling up roots in their beautiful paid-for, no mortgage 7000 sq. ft home in L.A. would be tuff.
" I am honored President Elect picked me to head the relations to one of the largest and formally most feared countries in the world".
Mrs. Mencia was alleged to be looking at properties for sale around the D.C. area, but found it hard to find one that has palm trees and maintains a yearly 70 degree inside and outside temperature.
Mrs. Mencia was encouraged though by the thoughtful and relatively quick drive in and around the U.S. Capitol Beltway. Observing people only driving 95 in a 65 mph, she was pleasantly charmed by the hospitality of Easterner's driving etiquette.
"Why, it only took us 90 minutes to travel the 35 miles we had to go to get to the malls from the Overlook. In L.A., it would have been twice that long on the 405-at midnight! And people are so courteous when you have to cut them off to turn, they only honk a few minutes and maybe give you a finger and call you a racial name. In L.A. they might do that AFTER they blew your tires out with the sawed-off shot gun hiding under their seats. It's lovely here! I can't wait for the Cherry blossoms!"
Mr. Mencia, who is know nation-wide as an authority on civil rights and laid-back style humor that got his name into many conversation circles, has a daunting task ahead of him. U.S. alliance with the situation in Georgia and the current N.A.T.O. expansion are just some of the tender diplomatic points that he will face.

"Russia is a wonderful country and I am honored to represent L.A. (and the rest of America)", when asked what he would say as the U.S. ambassador to Russia, Mr. Mencia went on to say: "When I get a face-to-face with Russian President Putin he will have to cut the deck and Anne up.I'm sure he's gonna say his country's got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles that are targeted for the United States so we better do good. Well, Mr. Putin needs to know we got 1500 tactical nuclear missiles ALONE aimed at his white Socialist ass in Moscow each and every day, bitch!"

Mr. Mencia added: " I grew up as a "wetback" in L.A., during the South Central Riots, and let me tell you something: Gandhi's ways might have worked in India, but they sure as hell's not gonna work around here! Don't piss on the boot that has your neck against the sidewalk kinda thing, yaknow?"

President Elect Obama, hearing of the enthusiasm of Mr. & Mrs. Mencia's appointment said:" I am charmed by their patriotism and support for Mr. Mencia's apparent knowledge in diplomacy.I just wish I had more like Mr. Mencia to get the job done."
*****

Department of Education



Sandra age 42 English teacher

****



Joe "the plumber" Daddy Lydell
http://coedmagazine.com/news-ish/6069/

****

In a surprising move, President Elect Obama has selected Mr.J.D. Lydell to head the department of Education and take the many Dept. Head circulars of the failed 'No Child Left Behind' and have a bonfire out back of the Whitehouse @ 7p.m. Jan 29, 2009 and Everyone must BYO hotdogs.

Mr. Lydell was quoted as saying:

"My man, Bar! Way to go dog! President Obama is on da bus, in choosing meh to be head of educatin' our kids. The first thing I did was to get these two cougars outta the big house for spending a little quality time with the kids. Though they had a bit of trouble with the law, what person hasn't? They are still teachers that we need to teach our children. Come now, get real. If YOU were a dude and still in high school would you even THINK of skipping a class if these hos wanted to teach you a little 'extra-curricular activity'? Hell no! Look at that English teach, will ya? Can you believe the bitch is 42? I don't care if she's 75! If I had a charm like that I would be reading Shakespeare to my Harvard friends on my yacht- today! And DAMN, who the HELL ever had a SUB like that???(below) Jesus- save me!!! I wouldn't THINK of skipping a class, or getting a grade below an B+ if she was at the helm,.. I mean the teacher!

Word peeps! This is the end to any skipping in any school across the country for any dude that is not queer or that hasn't entered puberty. We can look into some of the male offenders too. The girls and others that will be in school- just to be around the other guys and girls will increase district funding and get better grades for our kids! Isn't this better than the stupid 'No Kid gets it in the behind thing'? They all did anyway!
I propose to get ANY female or male that has ever been arrested for a silly sex-with-minor charge, get them licensed in education and put them into a classroom where they can do the most people, er, I mean good.
This is the time for change and Mr.President Elect meant what he said! Peace out dogs!"




Cameo-sub age 29

*******

Undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce





Rivers Cuomo , (former Weazer lead singer),was selected to become the undersecretary for the U.S. Dept. of Commerce, replacing has-been former Secretary "We might be near a recession" Gutierrez. The reason given by President-elect spokesman Jerome Nape was due to his confidence in the great successes of Weazer and of Mr. Cuomo.
Mr. Nape:
"The nation's voting youth's obvious faith in their musical idols combined with the fact that one of their number one songs was "Beverly Hills" plays into the strategic economic policy of the new administration to bring Change to America".
Mr. Cuomo, ending a nation-wide tour with tired druged-out and groupie sex band players was still excited with the nomination.
Mr. Cuomo is quoted as saying: "Let's face it, my appointment, however humble it shall be, is going to draw thousands of cool people back to California. It's where it's at, where it's been at and you're a looser if you live anywhere else. With the possible exception of Bakersfield, in your heart you know that's true.
California is the top of the hill and Beverley Hills is the Golden Egg on the hill, and with my appointment and music in the background, millions of kids will descend on California, buying foreclosed homes, filling needed jobs and paying more in taxes. Besides, we need to get more blonds in town. Most of the old ones are getting a beer gut."

Mr. Nape, conveying the President-elect's appreciation for Mr. Cuomo's agreement to accept said:

"At the very least it will increase GDP productivity by a project 15.988% by wage earners just attempting to save the money to move to California.
This is the economic breakthrough that America needs!"

*************

In other news, Music Hit Stars Cold Play agreed to be in Washington D.C. at the inauguration playing "Viva La Vida" in commemoration of the exiting administration.

White House Press Conference

Sometime in April, 2009..







Major Announcement on Economic Policy,
The White House Press Room:





(we pick up just after the meeting has come to order)


" Yes, Helen, it's always good to see you again (retching noises)....Katie! Good to see you, and you too Tom! I am sorry but there will be no questions & answers after this statement, per the president's request. {{groans}}


{Ahem} As I was saying, the tough financial position in the United States is soley due to the irresponsibility of some people buying houses in the last few years that they couldn't afford after they got stupidly laid-off or had a silly disease like Cancer because they couldn't afford health insurance and had to pay the CAT SCAN bill then made a bad choice between living and staying current on their mortgage.
We ALL have to pay for the bad decisions others make and that's just not right, unless you are making less than $10,000/year which gives you a virtual get-out-of jail-free card- except for taxes, health care, food, continuing education and DUI's. That's on you.

President Obama has met with top financial advisors within the IMF and the World Bank. He has flown numerous times to Brussels to consult with financial leaders in other freedom loving countries , and I believe we have a three point plan that we all-as Americans,can be proud of.

#1. All ABC and state liquer stores will be authorized to sell FDA aproved and US certified Marajuanna, Cocaine, Jack, Extasy and meth blow to only American Citizens. They will be instructed not to sell to immigrants that want to come to our country illegally and take away American drugs,..er, I mean Jobs from hard working American families.
This will necessitate the expansion of many ABC and state ATF stores nationwide. This will mean major construction projects, employing thousands of construction workers, commercial real-estate agents and experienced drug pushers that over the years through work hard and paying taxes can look forward working to the American dream. This will deliver 34.4567 Trillion dollars to the GDP over 10 years.

#2.Since the US has the largest per capita rate of prisoners incorporating a thriving prison and barbed-wire industry that is made-in-America it only makes sense to take advantage of this resource. The decision has been reached to 'Insource' prisoners from China, India, Pakistan and Outer Mongolia where the respective governments will save money from not having to house those offenders and terrorists, bring them here and create American jobs by using the American made fascilities we already have at our disposal. Having faith that we have a dozens of third world despots, communist rulers, mafia bosses (in house and out of country) that agree to the financial terms we offer, the United States will agree to house, medically treat injuries (caused by the guards), feed and (for a nominal extra feee), torture.
With all the extra camps that were built recently by Haliburtan & KKR within the United States, and the expansion of Guatanomo and other top secret underground plants, we have plenty of resources available, with highly skilled & experienced prison detention labor to bid & secure such an important contract for true Americans. This alone will deliver at least 792.57 Billion dollars per year to the GDP.

#3. Because of the economic situation it has become apparent there has been a rise in...shall we say, "ladies of the night" arrests. Throughout America the horror of seeing some girl or guy agree to have sex for money to pay for silly things like food or rent is just unfathonalbe.

We are developing a plan in conjuction with the former administration's failed ' No Child Left Behind' strategy, that orchestrates the arrest of any prostitue, unmarried sex offender, or female students bearing breasts at college football games. This will be applicable to males where appropriate and punishable by law.
In this exciting time of change for the American people, it is well known not be be fair that one stud and his friend can walk into a room and walk out with any girl they desire, within the first 45 minites.
The fact that most of the time the females are blond is missing the point entirely.
Unfortunately, you have others like Sam who work very hard scrapping together enough money from their Wal-mart jobs to afford their freshly ironed plaid-pants w/bow-tie and the cover charge just to get dissed by some gorgeous hunk of sweet thing that any man in the world would walk a mile barefoot over broken glass to shake hands with.

Just because Sam might have a few extra (dozen) whiteheads glowing on his face, or the large heavy rimmed high-definition glasses he should not be procluded from getting it on with at least one "bring-Tafy-alone-she-makes-us-look-so-hot", size 14 'more-of-me-to-love' babes. With this new plan he will!
We need to spread the wealth ladies & gentlemen, and that's just what the American public voted President Obama into office to do last fall.

This policy, when passed by the Senate will endeavor to clean up our cities, and our colleges in an attempt to look sterile and economically prospersous like China. If it worked there, then it should work here. However, since Americans are more ingenous than anyone in the world we have implemented a plan that would make every offender work off their crime by using the means of their trade by paying off their crime! Do you folks have any idea what the stagering amount Americans pay for porn? Incredible!
Simply put, the United States would legalize public sex, internet sex, sex between minors ,gay-sex and sex with vegitables as long as the participants are adults and citizens of the United States, that are legally licensed. Legal Licenses would be available at any state DMV or on-line and payable with Visa, Mastercard or American -Express.There would be a discount for three or more selections.

Under our policy, Sam will not only find the love he wants without breaking his retirement account or waiting until the crack of dawn for a girl to have dillusions, but have sex with anyone he can afford and go about building prosperity for America the next day at Wal-Mart refreshed & revigerated!

We can increase the GDP, with this plan and the You Tube per view charge by at least 87.5983 Trillion within 10 years!!

These three altenatives alone will dramtically increase governement funds, as well as increasing revenue and paying of the debt that every American will be relieved on in the years to come.
In addition we are proposing an added tax-rebate sharing program to American families of up to 15% on every trick-drug and insourced prisoner that increases the GDP budget in the next tax year. Alaska doesn't have all the good ideas, dontcha know!

Good Night and God Bless and God Bless the United States of America!

"You're Fired!"

Credit: funnyordie.com

***

"In the end, all these large banks will come crashing down like a ton of bricks because they are irretrievably insolvent, and then they, along with the privately owned Fed, will be nationalized and merged into one super-entity, which will be given all regulatory power over the financial industry..They will no longer have to kill off the small fry by creating catastrophes.. They will simply regulate them out of existence until their banking and financial interests have achieved god-like, dictatorial power.. Once they control all financial matters with an iron fist, the Constitution will become irrelevant because the people will no longer have any power to exercise except by revolution, and we can assure you that a revolution is going to come, and soon."
-Chapman: The International Forcaster 29Oct2008

Oscar nominee


Hat tip to Coyote!

Priceless

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS:


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

***
Q) What's the capital of Iceland?

About £3.50

****
I went to fill up my gas tank and I couldn't decide between leveraged and unleveraged"
****

I Went to Best Buy to get a toaster and they gave me a free bank with purchase..
****


The Unknown

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.
—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing
Don Rumsfeld (Author's note:the only true thing he said in office. Kev).

**
**
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK

***
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
G. Reinis, Lafayette, CA USA
***

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tom, London, UK
***
And my Favorite.......


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada

{Author's note: Thank you to all the fine folks @ CR! My friend from Calgary hits it on the head."Hey man-pass a cold one over, eh?" Kev}

credit:http://calculatedrisk.blogspot.com/

Securitized Housing Investment Trust

"The No Banker-Left-Behind Bill"


Securitized Housing Investment Trust

HANKY PANKY BANKING BAILOUT


Once the 700 Billion Bailout Bill is passed a new public/private entity willbe created. This new entity will be known as the Securitized HousingInvestment Trust and will be referred to using the acronym S.H.I.T. Once Paulson and the administration get their S.H.I.T. together, all of our financialproblems will be behind us. In addition to purchasing illiquid mortgage assets, Detroit crack houses, abandoned FEMA trailers, and other real estateassets, the trust will also purchase porta potties. Paulson is quoted as saying: " The porta potty acquisition is the crown jewel of our plan. As theUS Dollar reaches parity with toilet paper, left over toilet paper in the porta potties could be a valuable asset. We expect a return of 100, 200 oreven 1000% on the toilet paper asset alone relative to the US Dollar."Most political analysts are in agreement, this will be the largest S.H.I.T. on the face of the planet. No major non-party economic advisor was asked to contribute as the details of this essential legislation were too complicated for the average PHd economic professor to absorb.
"We need to cut through the chase on this." Spokeswoman at a White House forum said. No name was given because she is forbidden to talk on important issues without knowing a thing about them. "We cannot afford to confuse the American people".

President Bush is meeting with top party officials to begin the environmental conservation of all household and rationing of all PPTP assets immediately. "We will not fail the American people". Mr. Bush is quoted as saying.
"As soon as S.H.I.T. hits the floor and the house I encourage every honorable American to support this bill".
"Do NOT take S.H.I.T. lightly-it has the ingredients in it that will transform America's continued role in serving as the protector of peace and democracy throughout the world."

Major CNN and FOX commentators have corroborated their excitement for Congress to finally bring up something as monumentally important to the average American hard working tax payer as S.H.I.T.
Fox's Sean Hannity is quoted as saying:

" I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am that Congress is beginning to wake up and smell the coffee." This SHIT is the real thing ladies and gentlemen. This might be the last chance to get a point across to the evil democrats that the real deal is in this piece of SHIT".

Even Religious leader John Hagee is espousing the important elements and essential passing of the SHIT legislation: "Jesus would have loved this plan folks." In fact, after coming out of many hours of prayer in the last few weeks for the salvation of our country and illumination of plans to keep American and Its friends free and democratic we need this SHIT as much as we need the good Lord preached in this holy church".
I say to you today- the DEVIL does not like SHIT, will not tolerate SHIT and does not want you to see SHIT for what it really is!!!"
Mr. Hagee went on to say that he was encouraged his 8000 congregation with multiple toilets inside as well as outside on the sports field campus would be proud to be a voluntary PPTP member and help the assets of all true Christians and Americans by supporting this godly SHIT legislation that is long overdue.
"By supporting SHIT you prove yourself to be a real God-fearing American and contributor to America's future".

credit due: Les/Smoking Mirrors